God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Moses tees off first and hits a great drive right down the middle of the fairway. The ball hits on the edge of the green and rolls to a stop about 20 feet from the pin.

Jesus tees off and his ball also goes right down the middle, hits on the edge of the green, and rolls to a stop only 10 feet from the cup. God lines up and duffs his drive the ball barely making it off the tee box. But just before it stops rolling a squirrel jumps out of a tree, grabs the ball in its mouth, and starts running down the fairway. About 50 feet into its run an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel and starts flying off with it. Just as the eagle gets over the green, a bolt of lightning flashes and hits the eagle. It drops the squirrel, the squirrel hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth, and rolls over and drops into the cup.

Jesus turns to God and says, "Come on, Dad, quit ***** around. We're playing for money here."

Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility."
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account." If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"

Joke #1

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Joke #2

Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and they head down to earth.

Once they get there, Moses says, "I think what i want to do first is part the red sea, that was a lot of fun." So Moses goes and parts the Red Sea and comes back and says, "That was awesome, what do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I will do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water. As soon as he starts, though, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He comes back to land disappointed and Moses says, "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."

blonde joke

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

Know how to tell when a red head's been working on a computer ? When you have to pull a hammer outta the monitor before using it.

Know how a blond turns on the light after having sex ? She opens the car door :>

===================
shaDEz blonde joke
===================

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Shadez is funny.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand and said, "So let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

3 iron workers, a Mexican, an Irishman and a blond, sit down on the 40th floor framework of the building they're working on to have lunch.

The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says "Man ... tacos again. If I hafta eat tacos for lunch just one more time I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The Irishman opens his luchbox and says "Man ... stew and potatoes again. If I hafta eat this same stuff even one more time I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The blond opens his lunchbox and says "Man ... bologna sanwiches again. If I hafta eat another bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off this building !"

The next day they're all sitting down for lunch and the Mexican opens his lunchbox and sees he has tacos again and says "Nice knowin you amigos" and takes a header off the side of the building.

The Irishman opens his lunchbox and sees he has stew and potatoes again, turns to the blond guy and says "Nice knowin ya mate" and jumps over the side of the building.

The blond opens his lunchbox and finds yet another bologna sandwich , shrugs his shoulders and dives over the side of the building.

Several days later at their joint funeral the 3 wives are commiserating and trying to console each other.

The Mexicans wife says "If I had only known he was so tired of tacos I would still have my husband, I'm so sorry !"

The Irishmans wife says"I had no idea he was so tired of having stew and potatoes, I'm so sorry !"

The 2 wives turn to the blond guys wife awaiting her comment and she says "Don't look at me ... he made his own lunch !"

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..
The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
Pooooof....!

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous....A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no manhasgonebefore!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10."Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11."You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12."God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13."Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Rolled in some crap, then ate it... Delicious!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy.
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great! 7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is soooooooo great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry
nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomited on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would
strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am.
The audacity!!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies."
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return!
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.
But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

two from michiko friend on myspace...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are standing in the woods. They notice a third tree nearby, and the beech says to the birch: Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says: Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!"

Badger badger badger

hey how'dju do dat?

[www.plus613.com]

Tis amazing what you can do when you have direct access to the database

i like the original better...
[www.badgerbadgerbadger.com]

Those badgers are funny, well done in enteraining yourself, Pulse.

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...for the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sargeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less that five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
MORAL OF THE STORY?
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

Recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Dallas, Texas awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly enrolled at Montana State University, from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Dear Harvey,
Your joke is not politically correct & I am deeply offended.

I too am offended by that joke.
Anyway, can anyone remember the joke/transcript of a guy on a phone sex call and he ends up pissing in the laundry hamper? I can't find it anywhere...

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a ship's steering wheel attached to the front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like he's got his dick stuck through the center of it.
The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your dick stuck in a steering wheel!"
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know, it drives me nuts!!"

three women are all sitting in a doctors office waiting room,
all three are pregnant and all three are knitting little sweaters for their babies...
the first woman says, i'm taking protein because i want my baby to have strong muscles...
the second woman says, i'm taking calcium because i want my baby to have strong bones...
the third woman says, i'm smoking crack because i can't figure out how to knit sleeves...

PMS
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

The New Written Word New Official EU Language:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to be to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and it should go away. By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru!

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat;
but you just can't beat a blow job.