Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: December 28, 2006 01:46AM
this isn't funny 'till the very last part. smiling bouncing smiley

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 28/12/2006 01:46AM by fossil_digger.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: December 29, 2006 01:11AM
This was meant for a woman, but it gives us men some idea how the system works....
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, and this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (71.236.249.---)
Date: January 06, 2007 08:49PM
Douche Bag Traits

Often times certain phrases are used disparagingly to describe a particular type of individual. One such phrase commonly used to describe a pretentious asshole or a person who's trying way too hard to be cool is "douche bag". Many of you may know a douche bag or two, or may in actuality be one yourself without realizing it. My intention with this article is to do two things:

1) Help you spot a douche bag so you can correct him on his douchey-osity
2) Help you correct douchey traits you may yourself possess

Hopefully you'll have a clear understanding of things a douche bag wears, says, does, etc. by the end of this article and be able to correct any douchey-ness in yourself and/or assist others in correcting their douche-baggy behaviour. In the future I'll go into specifics about the sub-categories of douche bags, but for now we'll focus on the age 18-34 douche bag.

Before we move on, it must be noted that douche-baggotry is a disease, much like obesity or necrophilia, however, to this day there is no known vaccine to cure it. There have been scientific studies conducted on douche bags in the last decade, and new evidence suggests that douche-baggotry is indeed a genetic disorder. To date, the only available remedy to this horrible affliction is to call out a douche bag on his behaviour. Only then can steps be taken to permanently decrease one's "douchey-osity".

The below douche bag traits are not listed in any particular order, they are all equally douchey:

1) Popped collar on a shirt. --nuff said
2) Any bracelet or necklace worn makes one a douche bag. The only acceptable jewelry for a man is a wrist watch.
3) BMW driver. All BMW drivers under the age of 50 are douche bags. There's nothing wrong with a luxury automobile, just BMWs. Typically a BMW driver will leave his keys sitting on top of the bar so as to "impress" chicks. Total dick move, douche bag. Thinketh the ladies, "Nice car, sorry 'bout your penis."
4) Spikey hair with too much product. Seriously, stop it.
5) Facial hair, especially a goatee, or other sort of meticulously groomed beard. If you're going to have a beard, just go all out like those dudes from ZZTop.
6) Cell phone worn on belt. Your pants have pockets, fucking use them, douche bag.
7) Hat backwards. This one is easily remedied: TURN YOUR FUCKING HAT AROUND, DOUCHE BAG. (also, hats worn with a tilt.
8) Dressy sandals. Not only are you a douche bag if you wear these, you're also a Dildo.
9) Pink Shirts

10) Frat tuck. This is when only the front of the shirt is tucked in. You are so beyond douchey if you do this.
11) Tag-Heuer watch. Nothing against a nice watch, just this particular brand. Often a BMW driver will wear a watch like this.
12) Croakies. These are neoprene devices used to hold sunglasses around the neck. Very douche-tastic.
13) Drinking mixed drinks other than margaritas. Margaritas are the only exception to the rule for a man. Gin and tonics are douchey and girly. Vodka tonics are douchey and girly. Acceptable beverages are whiskey, vodka, tequila, beer. Anything added to a hard liquor other than water or ice is douchey. For instance, Crown Royal is good. Coke is good. Mixing the two together, DOUCHEY. Gatorade is good. Vodka is good. Mixing them together=DOUCHEY.
14) Extensive knowledge of sports statistics. Some is O.K., but knowing every player in the NHL's jersey number is douchey.
15) Belts with flags, whales, or other logos is douchey. Your belt should be leather all the way around, douche bag.
16) Blue tooth or other hands free cellular device. Hey, douche bag, while you got a free hand reach over here and stroke my cock.
17) Layering two polo shirts. I can't emphasize enough how douchey this is.
18) Von Dutch t-shirts.
19) John Deere hats if you're not a farmer. Anyone following a trend set by Ashton Kutcher is a total fucking douche bag.
20) Anything Abercrombie.
21) If you listen to Train.
22) Excessive bending of the bill of your hat.
23) Madras shorts.
24) Sperry Topsider/docksiders...especially with no socks.
25) Flip-flops worn in the winter time.
26) T-shirts that say "Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore" or similar t-shirts that attempt humour in vain.
27) Those fagotty-assed yellow "Live Strong" bracelets. Don't tell me it's for a good cause, you wear it because you're a douche bag who likes bracelets.
28) Use of the phrase "I was so wasted" or "We were so wasted".
29) Republicans
30) Democrats
31) Shorts with lobsters, whales, etc.
32) Jersey with the name of a pro athlete on the back.
33) Using the word "grande" or "venti" or other coffee-speak when ordering a cup of coffee. Just say small, medium, or large, a-hole.
34) Ordering anything other than coffee when you're at a coffee shop. This includes frappacinos, mochiattas, and any other douchey shit.
35) Continuing to wear your sunglasses on your face when you're indoors. Take 'em off, fucktard.
Posted by: alterego [x] - (203.20.35.---)
Date: January 06, 2007 10:04PM
A bloke walks into a bar and slips up on some dog shit.
He walks up to the bar and orders a drink.
Another bloke walks into the bar and he also slips up on the dog turd.
He reaches the bar where the first man is who says "I did that".
The second man replies "You filthy bastard!".
Posted by: alterego [x] - (203.20.35.---)
Date: January 06, 2007 10:05PM
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.
"Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
The other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!"
Posted by: alterego [x] - (203.20.35.---)
Date: January 06, 2007 10:12PM
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
drinking smiley
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (71.236.249.---)
Date: January 06, 2007 10:40PM
(groooooan) eye rolling smiley

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2007 10:40PM by pro_junior.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: January 09, 2007 03:40AM
sorta funny.....sorta not funny:

It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7): "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Here are some men and women who mocked God: JOHN LENNON: Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said: "Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple. Today we are more famous than Him" (1966). Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times. TANCREDO NEVES (President of Brazil): During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party, not even God would remove him
from Presidency. Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President and he died. CAZUZA (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet): During a show in Canecïo (Rio de Janeiro), whilst smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: "God, that's for you." He died at the age of
32 of AIDS in a horrible manner. THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC: After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: "Not even God can sink it." The sult.... I think you all know what happened to the Titanic. MARILYN MONROE: She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the preacher had to say, she said, "I don't need your Jesus". A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.
BON SCOTT (The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC): On one of his 1979 songs he sang: "Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell". On
the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead. He had been choked by his own vomit. CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005: In Campinas, Brazil, a group of friends, drunk, went
to pick up a friend. The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter, holding her hand and who was already seated in the car, "MY DAUGHTER, GO
news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact. The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs. None were broken. Christine Hewitt: a Jamaican Journalist and entertainer: Ms. Hewitt said, "The Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written". In June, 2006, she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.
Posted by: Anonymous [x] - (12.148.143.---)
Date: January 09, 2007 10:00PM
How does a Mum in Australia know her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood on her son's tally.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: January 13, 2007 01:05AM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (24.99.214.---)
Date: January 21, 2007 10:47PM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (24.99.214.---)
Date: January 22, 2007 06:17AM
not a joke
i was playing tug o war with my pole while watching this chick named akira shiratori getting plowed when out of nowhere my cat showed and tried to jump in my lap i stopped him in mid air but he kept trying to jump up... he seemed really worried that i was yanking on myself like that and kept wanting to jump up and see what was wrong with his human... finally i shot my load but he jumped up right when i was nuttin' and got splooged in the face, little fucker shot across the room! and hid under the bed... i guess now he understands not to do that again
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: January 23, 2007 09:49PM
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: February 12, 2007 02:47PM
On sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . .The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (24.30.53.---)
Date: February 12, 2007 02:55PM
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: February 12, 2007 06:03PM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: February 15, 2007 01:16AM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: February 15, 2007 01:41AM
old but still funny

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday I'll be so glad that this is my last child
support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
So I called my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here,
I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell
her this is the last check she ever gettin' from me, and I want you to come back
and tell me the 'spression on her face." So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I'm anxious to hear what she say, and about the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walked through the door,I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on y o face"!!!
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (71.236.249.---)
Date: February 15, 2007 07:22PM
This isnt a joke that I heard or read somewhere, this really happened...

Last summer two Jehovah's witness missionaries knocked on my door. I acted all excited to see them and I asked them if they believed in God. Of course they said yes...then I asked them if they thought that God wanted us to be happy...they said yes...I said, no I mean really happy, all of the time...again they said then I asked them, well then why did he make us so that we have to get up every morning and go poop?? I mean that's not a very happy thing to do, what with the wiping and the stink and all...they just looked dumbfounded at each other then back at me...I told them I didnt want to join their little club and suggested that they be on there way...
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.183.118.---)
Date: February 23, 2007 02:21AM
i got it right, but the author apparently missed. thumbs down
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now...
Posted by: MrsBlah [x] - (4.242.150.---)
Date: February 28, 2007 10:33PM
Two Women chatting:

Mary; There's no mystery about the fact that women are smarter than most men.

Jill; Is that so?

Mary; Absolutely! In most cases, the man is bigger than the woman. So, she can't beat him up. It's illegal to kill him. Her only chance is to outsmart him, and that is both legal and easy!

The new ABC's

A is for apple and B is for boat.
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures, and fluid retention,
G for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low,
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low.
O is for osteo, the bones that won't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give
me a pill and I'm good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flue?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, big troubles with flow:
V is for vertigo: that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for x-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left behind here.
Z is for zest that I still have - are we clear?
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: March 01, 2007 06:28PM
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband
that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not
so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between them for a few seconds". Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (76.17.99.---)
Date: March 02, 2007 02:41AM
i wish my breasts would grow
Posted by: 90130_ [x] - (71.111.80.---)
Date: March 04, 2007 08:50PM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the
sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who
are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue
would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the
clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I
remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband
was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in
the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: March 08, 2007 01:47AM
this is more cool tham funny, but....[]
see how many people in the us have the same name as you. thumbs upthumbs down??
Posted by: zxz555 [x] - (158.36.146.---)
Date: March 08, 2007 09:05AM
there are 420 of me. My real name is not zxz555, I feel I ought to point that out to some the newbies and idiots, the rest of you knew that already.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: March 08, 2007 01:31PM
only 56 of me
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: March 08, 2007 11:28PM
There are only 15 of me, which is probably for the best, and one of them is my youngest son. It's amazing how much he is like me in some ways.
Posted by: 90130_ [x] - (71.111.80.---)
Date: March 09, 2007 01:03AM
Subject: The difference between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He

asks her out to a movie: she accepts: they have a pretty good time. A

few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again, they enjoy

themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while

neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to

Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize

that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six

months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:

Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been

feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push

him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking; Gosh, six months.

And Elaine is thinking: but hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of

relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd

have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way

we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we going? Are we

just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we

heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am

I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking; So, that means it was....let's see.. February

when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the

dealer's, which means.. let me check the odometer..Whoa! I am way

overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm

reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our

relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even

before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet

that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own

feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the fucking

transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not

shifting right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What

cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage

truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry

too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I

feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day


And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a

knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next

to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I

truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person

who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a

warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning

to brim with tears, "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so..

(she breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I

really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that.. it's that I.. I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,

tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that

he thinks might work.


Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel

that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to

become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it

involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you" says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured

soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turn on

the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis

match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in

the far recesses of his mind tells him something major was going on back

there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever

understand that, and so, he figures it's better if he doesn't think

about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of

them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In

painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything

he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,

expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every

possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off

and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite

conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend

of his and Elaine's will pause just before serving, frown, and say,

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/03/2007 01:13AM by 90130_.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: March 09, 2007 02:00AM
i need an advil. eye rolling smiley
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