Posted by: kirsty_uk [x] - (88.107.248.---)
Date: June 09, 2007 09:20PM
Hey Pro this had me in tears of laughter. thumbs downsmiling bouncing smiley

Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2007 09:22PM by kirsty_uk.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.242.---)
Date: June 14, 2007 02:06AM

a funny old video
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.252.---)
Date: June 29, 2007 11:33PM
i have seen the wildest snake coughing up something video..EVER!! eye popping smileyeye popping smileyeye popping smileyeye popping smileyeye popping smiley

Posted by: Anonymous [x] - (207.200.116.---)
Date: July 02, 2007 02:26AM
Kid Anah Pop In Park There's this Park where a Kid And his Dad were enjoying a fine Summer Sunday ! Suddenly, as the Kid was walking around with his dad he'd spy two dogs , ah , fucking ! Mating is whut they's , done , eh ?! Whatcha say , Dad ? What on earth are those doggies doin , Dad ?! The father proudly answers his son : Well , They're making a puppy !! The little boy looked for quite a long time and got bored and walked with his Dad to enjoy seeing the Playground, and , went home in a few hours time ! That night, The little Kid's, Dad , thought of fucking his wife hoping the kid wouldn't bother them ! The Wife closed the bedroom door and went for the Traditional Missionary Position of her Old Man being the hubby ! Lo , and behold , DUH ! Here comes the kid bounding in opening the bedroom door ! Hey , Pop ?! Whatcha doin' with Ma , Pop ?! Well , remember : stammered the Dad ?! The two dogs were making a puppy !! We , as Humans , and my being with your Mom ?-stammered the Dad !! Yeah , said the Kid ?! The father proudly proclaimed : Me and your Mom are gonna make , You , ah , baby brother !! No , Foolin' , Dad ?! -yelled the Kid ! Turn her over , Pop ! I want a : PUPPY !
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: July 12, 2007 12:05AM
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop, but that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled b ack the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and
these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: July 23, 2007 03:00AM
for all you simpsons fans.
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (Moderator)
Date: July 23, 2007 03:24AM
booo! fucking spoiler!
don't watch this if you haven't seen the movie
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.254.---)
Date: July 23, 2007 11:47PM
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy said, "No, what?" "He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out. Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that
cue ball, he measures everything first!"
Posted by: ORLANDO399 [x] - (97.100.18.---)
Date: July 25, 2007 09:07PM
good one fossilthumbs down
Posted by: ORLANDO399 [x] - (97.100.18.---)
Date: July 25, 2007 09:40PM
A lonely old woman,aged 70,decided that it was time to get married,she put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAN WANTED!MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.On the second day she heard the doorbell.Much to her dismay,she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.The old woman said,"you're not really asking me to consider you,are you?Just look at have no legs!"The old man smiled,"Therefore i cannot run around on you!"She snorted."You dont have any hands either!"Again the old man man smiled,"nor can i beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently."Are you still good in bed?"With that,the old gentleman leaned back,beamed a big broad smile and smiled and said,"I rang the doorbell,didnt I?"
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: August 13, 2007 01:40AM
As reported earlier this month some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The
deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel - "That's all the bullets we had."

(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 13, 2007 02:57PM
did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side of his body?!?!

He is alright now. eye rolling smiley
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (67.168.213.---)
Date: August 14, 2007 12:26AM
lol, i told that one in the office the other day...i asked the other guys if they saw the wreck on the way in...they said no...i said oh man it was terrible, car rear ended another car and when the guy got out a bus hit him and just ripped off the entire left side of his body...they said damn! i said, yeah...he's all right now...spinning smiley sticking its tongue out
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 15, 2007 03:05AM
simple joke can be made applicipable to many a situation. Nice Improvisation.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:26AM
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five ~Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: Live on greens as much as possible. ~Author Unknown
Gone golfin' .. be back about dark thirty. ~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off . ~Author Unknown
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a
few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly-acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a
Mulligan in Scotland?" The Scot replied, "We call it hitting 3."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't
know, five, six, maybe seven times. .... just put me down for a 5
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:31AM
Tale of the Yellow Toad
Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying,my friend?"
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow.I want to be green like all my friends...Sniff, sniff." The Good Witch replied, "No problem!" And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... All except his private parts, which
remained yellow. "Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!" The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!" So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard. The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard. "Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked. "Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and
I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff." "No problem!" said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... All except
> his private parts, which remained brown. "Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!" But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!"
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??"
And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow
Dick toad..."
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:42AM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
smiling smiley means a smile and
sad smiley is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:44AM
two peanuts were walking down the road..........

one was asulted.
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:45AM
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument
> about who was
> better on the computer. They had been going at it
> for days, and frankly God
> was tired of hearing all the bickering.
> Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had
> enough. I am
> going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
> and from those
> results, I will judge who does the better job."
> So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
> typed away.
> They moused.
> They faxed.
> They e-mailed.
> They e-mailed with attachments.
> They downloaded.
> They did spreadsheets!
> They wrote reports.
> They created labels and cards.
> They created charts and graphs.
> They did some genealogy reports
> They did
> every job known to man.
> Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
> faster than hell.
> Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
> lightning
> suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled,
> rain poured, and, of
> course, the power went off.
> Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
> curse
> word known in the underworld.
> Jesus just sighed.
> Finally the electricity came back on, and each of
> them
> restarted their computers. Satan started searching
> frantically, screaming:
> "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when
> the power
> went out!"
> Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started
> printing out all of his files from the past two
> hours of work.
> Satan observed this and became irate.
> "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
> How come he
> has all his work and I don't have any?"
> God just shrugged and said,
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:48AM
I hate you quasi.
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 01:49AM
not really. the finger smiley
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (67.168.213.---)
Date: August 16, 2007 03:58AM
GROAN! good one quasi...
Posted by: ORLANDO399 [x] - (97.100.31.---)
Date: August 17, 2007 06:10AM
good one quasismileys with beer
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: August 17, 2007 06:10PM
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
1) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National anthem .. kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest ... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been
okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule)
5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back .. a Marine will kick their ass.
6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper .. it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart and quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her ... of course, failure to do either of those will earn
you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her as "traitor." Hate her or else (asses will be kicked).
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, to include our commander in Chief .. the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we
acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The
military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
.. if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas
wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: August 17, 2007 09:50PM
My foot hurts.
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (Moderator)
Date: August 18, 2007 12:21AM
rated pg...
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (67.171.146.---)
Date: August 21, 2007 12:03AM
Subject: Hell explained, chemically (Has been around before)
The following is an actual question given on a University of
chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes



So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my

Posted by: ORLANDO399 [x] - (97.100.19.---)
Date: August 21, 2007 05:40AM
Alright quasi here's one for you: People were in their pews talking at church.Suddenly,satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,seeing oblivious to the fact that god's ultimate enemy was in his presence.So satan walked up to the old man and said,"don't you know who i am?"The man replied,"yep,sure do."Aren't you afraid of me?"Satan asked.Nope,sure ain't."said the man.Don't you realize i can kill with a word?"asked satan.Don't doubt it for a minute,"returned the old man,in an even tone.Did you know that i could cause you profound horrifying,agony for all eternity?"persisted satan.Yep,"was the calm reply.And you're still not afraid?"asked satan.Nope,"said the old man.More than a little perturbed,satan asked,"well,why aren't you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied,"been married to your sister for 44 years!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: August 22, 2007 11:08PM
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?" Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
Posted by: bayern [x] - (84.230.17.---)
Date: August 24, 2007 06:24PM
After having long, intense sex, the woman asks the man:
"how shall we name the baby?"

The man pulls off the condom, wraps it carefully and replies:
"if he can survive that, we´ll call him McGyver"
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