Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 27, 2006 11:31PM
Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

a little old,but maybe you missed it
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 29, 2006 10:02PM
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating, " her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 29, 2006 10:04PM

fossil_digger posted on May 27, 2006, 11:16 pmDelete PostExport Post
From :
Sent : Thursday, May 25, 2006 2:15 PM
To :
Subject : Fw: The most functional English word

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Attachment : ATT00005.gif (0.04 Mcool smiley, ATT00008.gif (0.03 Mcool smiley, ATT00011.gif (0.03 Mcool smiley, ATT00014.gif (0.01 Mcool smiley, ATT00017.gif (< 0.01 Mcool smiley, ATT00020.gif (0.02 Mcool smiley, ATT00023.gif (0.03 Mcool smiley, ATT00026.gif (< 0.01 Mcool smiley, ATT00029.gif (0.01 Mcool smiley, ATT00032.gif (0.04 Mcool smiley, ATT00035.gif (0.01 Mcool smiley




Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 29, 2006 11:01PM
hey shaDEz that was nice of you to remove the email address from fossils post...
Fossil really should be more careful when posting things on the internet..

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2009 03:55AM by pro_junior.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 30, 2006 12:38AM
he's an old friend. i haven't seen in 15 yrs.
poor bitter junior (patt patt patt)
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 30, 2006 12:48AM
Why do you continue to think that I am bitter?
Do you think that because someone considers you to be a moron that they must be bitter?
Posted by: Anonymous [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 30, 2006 11:56AM
George W Bush is nigger!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 30, 2006 10:20PM
the only lame ass tease i could come up with all druged out, sorry i was in the hospital, nothing serious . but got some veryfunny working eyes now.ytping is hard with one eye closed....:~}:~}:~}
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 30, 2006 11:30PM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in that
he was sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"


"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,"May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice .

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
till whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

| |
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: May 31, 2006 09:02PM


A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 13, 2006 09:46AM
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and hes actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."

The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 13, 2006 02:35PM
hmm, must have been the same guy that walked into a bar with his hands cupped together, and said 'if anybody can guess what I'm holding in my hands, I'll give them a blowjob!' a guy says, 'an elephant' and the first guy says 'close enough!'

a grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink,
the bartender says, hey we've a drink named after you!
the grasshopeer says, you've got a drink named Fred?

a midget walked into a bar and said ouch!

a termite walked into a bar and said, is the bar tender here?

three strings went into a bar and sat at a table, after being ignored by the waitress for several minutes, one of the strings went up to the bar and said, I'd like a ptcher of beer and three glasses please. the bartender says, sorry but we dont serve string in this bar. the string went back to the table and told his two friends the bad news. the second string says well we'll see about that, and he goes up to the bar and says, look buddy, we don't want to cause any trouble, we just want to have a couple beers and we'll be on our way okay? but the bartender refuses and throws all three of them out of the bar. When they are outside the third string says, wait I have an idea! He twists himself all up around himself and messes up his hair, then he goes back into the bar and says, I'd like a 6-pack of beer to go please. the bartender says, hey! are you one of those strings I just threw out of here? and the string says, no! I'm a frayed knot!

a talking dog walks into a bar and says, hey everybody! look at me! I'm a talking dog! hey bartender, look at me! I'm a talking dog! I can talk! how about a free drink for me because I'm a talking dog?! The bartender says, eh sure, why not? the toilet is down that hall...

Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 15, 2006 09:14AM
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.

This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Posted by: DarkKlown [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 17, 2006 02:07AM
A guy is working at a supermarket. A man walks upto the guy and asks if the supermarket has a 1/2 of head of lettuce for sale. The guy says he'll have to go ask the manager. walking outback he sees the mananger and says 'some old bastard wants a 1/2 a head of lettuce' but upon looking behind him he sees the man so quickly adds 'and this fine gentleman wants to buy the other 1/2'.. the manager produces the 1/2 a head of lettuce and the man leaves. the mananger impressed with the quick thinking of the young guy says 'that was pretty impressive, i like a man who can think on his feet. where are you from?' the guy responses 'New Zealand' to which the manager asks 'why did you leave?' the guy response was 'i just had to get out of that country, it's just full of rugby players and whores' the manager looking a little upset says 'my wife is from new zealand' quickly the guy asks 'what team does she play for?'
Posted by: Anonymous [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 17, 2006 07:25AM
On December 25, 2005, Anonymous said
aDCBeast should be impeached from this web site
Posted by: pulse [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 18, 2006 10:29AM
Amazingly, that's not funny.
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: June 28, 2006 06:57PM
A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage.

It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news.

We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people.

You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore.

To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order. 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands.

Well, hearing! this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."

Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to 'C'. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands." The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?" His father says, "No son, today, we is Niggers. Those Mexicans are going before us!"
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 05, 2006 03:58AM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared thefinal corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holdinghis "You-Know- What" in his hand."Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Posted by: zxz555 [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 17, 2006 10:40AM
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?
Posted by: BlahX3 [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 18, 2006 07:38PM
A guy comes to work all excited with a bag of homemade cookies and starts bragging to his co-workers, "You guys have gotta taste these, my wife made pussy-flavored cookies!" One of the other guys says, "Sure, I'll try one." He takes a big bite out of a cookie, makes a horrible face and a gagging sound, spews the cookie out of his mouth and exclaims, "This tastes like SHIT!" The first guys replies, "Turn it over."
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 19, 2006 01:58AM
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Posted by: woberto [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 19, 2006 03:29AM
These are likely candidates for Darwin Awards.
Number 8 was a mythbusters episode.
Posted by: shaDEz [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 19, 2006 09:50PM

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."


One day little 7 year old Johnny approaches his mother and asks, "mommy I know you are Jewish and dad is black, so am I more black or more Jewish?"

Johnny's mother looks at him in shock and says, my "Johnny where in the world did that come from.

Go ask your father and see what he says." So little Johnny waits until his father gets home from work and says, "daddy am I more black or am I more Jewish?"

Johnny's father looks at him surprised and asks "why would you ask something like that son?"

Johnny looks up at his father and says, "well daddy Bobby down the street is looking to sell his bike for 20 dollars.

I'm just wondering whether I should Jew him down to 15 or wait until it's dark and steal the fucken thing..."
Posted by: BlahX3 [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 19, 2006 10:13PM
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 20, 2006 02:04PM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do him, doctor?"

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Posted by: BlahX3 [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 20, 2006 02:18PM
A man hears a knock at his front door, he opens it up looks around and nobody's there, but there's a snail on the melcome mat. He picks up the snail an hucks it across the street far into a vacant lot.

A year later he hears a knock at the door, again no one is there except the snail. The snail looks up at him and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 20, 2006 03:13PM
lol, melcome mat? call the spelling police...:~}
Posted by: BlahX3 [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 20, 2006 04:30PM
I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them. LOL. I do stupid shit like that all the time.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 27, 2006 04:44AM
Kicking The Cat

There's this kid who lives on a farm.

One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood.

Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it.

Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.

Then he walks into the house.

His mother was watching this the whole time and says to him, "I saw you kick those animals.

For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week.

For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him or should I?"
Posted by: woberto [x] - (58.105.18.---)
Date: July 27, 2006 07:06AM
Pulse, I don't know how to add root as an ftpuser.
You might think this is funny but I'm stuck.
I can telnet to the server I want but not ftp. Help!
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