Makes you wonder about 50 years from now.

Comments made in the year 1955!

That's only 53 years ago!



"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2,000.00 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DA M N in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DA M N in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,




"Son, all household appliances come in white."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told
her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It
reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted

Ignore this at your peril...

A warning for people who may be regular customers at Winco.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping center.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower
and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs
such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and
installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the
system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband
1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, MrsBlahX3

Dear Mrs BLahX3:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is
merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few
applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0,
because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating
files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate
Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be
installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited
memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband
1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite
applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have
tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these
women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You
will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled
with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just
learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by
the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and
problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature
enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the
command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize
12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to
give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default
to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame
for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only
intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband
1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.
Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband
1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and
you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will
cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will
run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck
in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!

Tech Support

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'



Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door,I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'


Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff!

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Generic Names for Viagra


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic

name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name

of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also call

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also

considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and

of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp.

announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage

suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to

literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call

this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of

"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".



Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast

implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means

that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky

boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do

with them.

hydrocodone is................

huh, what? did i miss anything?

WARNING!!

NASTY VIRUS!!!
If you receive an email entitled 'Bedtimes'

Delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.


This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.


It will drink ALL your beer.


FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?


It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table
when you are expecting company.


It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.


If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.


It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.


***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.


and if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you - you're on the computer

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.)

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

>> An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
>>
>> 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
>>
>> 'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist but a quarter tablet
>> will not give you a full erection.'
>>
>> 'I am 96,' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want
>> it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends; that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear
made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

Golf Terminology
1. A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's an impossible read.
2. A 'Rock Hudson' - it looked straight, but wasn't.
3. A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
4. A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
5. A 'John Kennedy Jr' - didn't make it over the water.
6. A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
7. An 'O.J. Simpson' - got away with it.
8. A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
9. A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used a driver.
10. A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
11. A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far to the right.
12. A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far to the left.
13. A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly but still working.
14. A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out.

Dumb blonde pole dancer

[www.youtube.com]

This one is better

I thought this was the "say something funny" thread not the "post a funny video link" thread.

Quasi, that wasn't funny of you to say......

neither was that...

nor is this really,

ummmmmm... hmmmm

let me just drink a whole lot again and maybe I'll have something funny(or more likely something incredibly stupid) to say and or add - contribute -

mann I don't know, whatever the fuck, fuckit!

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

What the pluck are you talking about?

quasi Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> We all know those cute little computer symbols
> called "emoticons," where:
> means a smile and
> is a frown.
> Sometimes these are represented by
> :-)
> :-(
> Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
> Here goes:
>
> (_!_) a regular ass
>
> (__!__) a fat ass
>
> (!) a tight ass
>
> (_*_) a sore ass
>
> {_!_} a swishy ass
>
> (_o_) an ass that's been around
>
> (_x_) kiss my ass
>
> (_X_) leave my ass alone
>
> (_zzz_) a tired ass
>
> (_E=mc2_) a smart ass
>
> (_$_) Money coming out of his ass
>
> (_?_) Dumb Ass

See the third to bottom Assicon... What I want to know is a smart ass the same as a wise crack?

The Sweetness of Married Life!!!
>
> A couple had only been married for two weeks and the
> husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
> go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
>
> So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right
> back.'
>
> 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
>
> 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he
> answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
>
> The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She
> opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
> different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
> countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, etc.
>
> All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes,
> Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen
> glasses.... '
>
> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
> interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass,
> Puppy F ace?' She took a huge beer mug out of the
> freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
> it.
>
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie
> Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
> that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll
> be right back.. I promise. OK?'
>
> 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She
> opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
> d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
> caps and little quiches.
>
> 'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know
> there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
>
> 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN
> SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER
> IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
> YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT
> IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
>
> And... They lived happily ever after. Isn't that a
> sweet story?
>
> MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

----- The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.
Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation (n.) : Coming Back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism Spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal Coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A Degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no Action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.

can't read this fucking shit when i am this drunk
fossl you tyoe too much you texan something ah fuck

i cheated