Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 22, 2009 02:18AM
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
>> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
>> size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I
>> could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,
>> I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
>> is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
>> were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
>> turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die...pleeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
>> owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day..... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the
>> wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
>> thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: May 22, 2009 02:51AM
pull over!!
January 23, 2009 01:34PM posted by YOU spinning smiley sticking its tongue out
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 22, 2009 03:54AM
was differenttongue sticking out smiley
Posted by: GAK67 [x] - (124.157.91.---)
Date: May 22, 2009 04:56AM
Was not much different - and you posted it originally - so I agree with pro - it's a pull over! smileys with beer
Posted by: quasi [x] - (208.78.130.---)
Date: May 22, 2009 11:03PM
Lawyer with a heart:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he Saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
Man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They Are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with Us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for A car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
And said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 23, 2009 12:46AM
o.k. i'll sign your damn ticket, but i'm gonna get my lawyer. angry smiley
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: May 23, 2009 04:57AM
see you in court...
Posted by: woberto [x] - (121.91.165.---)
Date: May 23, 2009 01:49PM
This is a re-post but I can't find the original (fix the search DK)
Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans or whatever) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- (Fossil) A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- (Mr Kim) Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Woberto) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 23, 2009 05:51PM
i was there, and you didn't show so i got off with a warning. tongue sticking out smiley

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 23/05/2009 05:52PM by fossil_digger.
Posted by: woberto [x] - (121.91.173.---)
Date: May 27, 2009 11:26AM
Ray is Gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that)
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 27, 2009 06:24PM
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap w e don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either..'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Posted by: woberto [x] - (121.91.185.---)
Date: May 28, 2009 08:11AM
I'd give that one a green + but that feature has been removed disappointed smiley
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.240.---)
Date: May 30, 2009 12:08AM
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock
that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool
running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out
the face of the person you are holding underwater and choking the shit out of ..
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.252.---)
Date: June 09, 2009 12:35AM
Jim -The Thoughtful Husband...
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.252.---)
Date: June 09, 2009 11:20PM
From the Daily News
comes this story of a Leicester couple who
drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car
park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his
shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA Mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.252.---)
Date: June 14, 2009 03:40AM
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: June 15, 2009 09:37PM
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He

dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl

alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the

second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: “You’re showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won’t have worms.”
Posted by: nic [x] - (76.105.78.---)
Date: June 16, 2009 10:49AM
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depth

I plunge headfirst into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp workplace with poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

I am continually worked until I am physically sick

My work exposes me to contagious diseases

The Boards Decision

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised , the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other restricted areas

You do not take the initiative you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing correct protective clothing

You will retire well before you reach the age of 65

You are unableto work extended hours or double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the days work

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
Posted by: SkullandChains [x] - (207.32.60.---)
Date: June 17, 2009 06:23AM
Posted by: woberto [x] - (121.91.94.---)
Date: June 17, 2009 09:48AM
8 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. When people point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
3. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
5. When people ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
6. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
7. When people say 'life is short'.. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
Posted by: quasi [x] - (208.78.130.---)
Date: June 19, 2009 11:48AM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.252.---)
Date: June 20, 2009 05:58PM
Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple
and says, "Ask him again!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers!
Posted by: dv8 [x] - (69.132.105.---)
Date: June 22, 2009 07:03AM
I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.grinning smiley
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: June 23, 2009 04:40AM
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz…

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

”Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying, “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”….
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: June 23, 2009 05:14AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
Posted by: dv8 [x] - (69.132.105.---)
Date: June 29, 2009 08:39AM
Apparently they reckon that Michael Jacksons records will be storming the charts again now he is dead.
Wouldn't it be appropriate if they all just reached the number two slot.

What do you call an angry black man who likes to stick his balls in your mouth?
Mr T-Bag

So, Michael Jackson is to be cremated, the organisers of the funeral are said to be deeply concerned about the odour when Michael is burnt. Nothing to do with the fact plastic smells when it's burnt, but his family will be there, and they're all black

I used to look up to Michael so much;
and every time, he'd look back down at me and say, "keep going son".

Micheal jackson dies of cardiac arrest: Finally an arrest that will actually stick
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (Moderator)
Date: June 30, 2009 07:17AM
Passing along some wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted by: dv8 [x] - (69.132.105.---)
Date: July 02, 2009 05:49PM
People keep telling me my beard makes me look like an axe murderer.
I tell them it's a magic beard which disappears when you look away.
That usually buys me enough time to reach for my axe.

A little boy came home from school and announced to his father that he had learned a new word but admitted he didn’t know what it meant. His dad asked him what the word was and he said “cunt”.
His dad took him upstairs to his bedroom where his wife was having a nap. He pulled back the covers, lifted up her night dress and pointed between her thighs, and said: “that’s the fanny; the rest of her is the cunt”.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just jogged around the park and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed and asked the other man what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat plenty of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina, especially with the ladies, if you know what I mean?"
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I'll take 5 loaves please."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard."
He replied, "Jesus. I can't believe every fucker knows about this shit but me."


Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/07/2009 05:50PM by dv8.
Posted by: woberto [x] - (121.91.162.---)
Date: July 09, 2009 08:51AM
Today's fearured article on Wikipedia...
Gropecunt was last recorded as a street name in 1561.
Posted by: quasi [x] - (208.78.130.---)
Date: July 10, 2009 01:39PM
An elderly couple, Don and Joyce, had been emailing each other for a long, long time. Their compatibility seemed a natural match and they decided it was finally time to live their lives together.

Before they did so, they met and went to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their relationship might work.

They discussed finances, household arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman Don, decided it was time to broach the subject of their long awaited physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," Joyce replied.

Don sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over toward her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
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