Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (71.59.212.---)
Date: September 21, 2007 08:27PM
I like Tonya Harding.... the finger smiley
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: September 26, 2007 02:33AM
Bob walked into a bar at 9:58 P.M., sat down next to a blonde at the bar and looked up at the TV. The 10 P.M. news was just coming on and a news crew was covering a story of a man preparing to jump off a ledge of a tall building. The blonde leaned over to Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I think he will."
The blonde replied, "Well I bet he won't."
Bob placed a twenty dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on."
Just as the blonde placed her twenty dollars on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset but willingly gave her money to Bob, saying, "Fair is fair, here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it a second time."
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: September 30, 2007 11:22PM
I'm not an American football fan, not a sports fan at all for that matter, but had to pass this one along for some of the guys here.

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan is drinking in a Dallas bar, when he
gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just
given birth to a typical Pittsburgh baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the Steelers fan just shrugs and replies, That's about average
back home, my boy's a typical Pittsburgh baby

"He's gonna be a Pittsburgh Steelers football player."

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father
of that Pittsburgh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

>>>The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What
happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! What happened !!!

The Steelers fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his
lips o n his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly

"Had him circumcised."
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: October 01, 2007 03:59AM
Why You Never Question a Drunk...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right; but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: October 06, 2007 07:03AM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: October 10, 2007 03:02AM
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to The party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss th
ere. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other g
uys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: October 10, 2007 03:28AM
Subject: From the Customer Service Department

Dear Mrs. Fox:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toy shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please re-select. That's our fire extinguisher.

Customer Service Department
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: October 10, 2007 03:41AM
A little history lesson. If you don't know the answer make your best guess.
Answer all the questions before looking at the answers.
Who said it?
1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above
2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the
few, and for the few...... And to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity."
A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above
3) "disappointed smileyWe) ...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something
has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above
4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up
a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above
5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above
6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most
profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched."
A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above


(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005

Be afraid, Be very afraid!!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: October 11, 2007 12:06AM
Subject: You might be Taliban if:>>>>>>>> ..You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.>> ...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't> afford shoes.>> ...You have more wives than teeth.>> ..You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.>> ...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at > a> helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.>> ...You've ever had your camel repossessed.>> ...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.>> ...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in > your> robe.>> ...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?">> ...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than > setting> off roadside bombs.>> ...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your > cave."
Posted by: woberto [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: October 17, 2007 02:53AM
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer looks like a million bucks and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"
Posted by: woberto [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: October 17, 2007 02:55AM
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: October 23, 2007 08:58PM
Two hookers were walking down the street together one night when one of them says, "We're gonna make some good money tonight; I can smell dick in the air." The other one replied, "No, that was me. I just burped."
Posted by: Mrkim [x] - (71.96.140.---)
Date: October 24, 2007 03:04AM
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose ?

gotta love this : Full grinning smiley

smoking smiley
Posted by: Mrkim [x] - (71.96.140.---)
Date: October 24, 2007 03:05AM
Know the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist ?

You can reason with a terrorist eye popping smiley

smoking smiley
Posted by: woberto [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: October 24, 2007 03:44AM
Three hookers live in the same flat.
They all arrive home together after a night's work.
The first one says;
I shagged 10 guys tonight, I feel like a glass of wine.
The second one says;
I shagged 15 guys tonight, I feel like a whiskey.
The third one says;
I shagged 30 guys tonight and I feel like a bucket of porridge!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 01, 2007 03:27PM
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering
and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and
each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. he rabbit had it coming. he LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: 'Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 04, 2007 10:05PM
A Tennessee Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says:
"Use two hands. You'll get more."
Posted by: quasi [x] - (64.215.250.---)
Date: November 07, 2007 12:04PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the ! owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license..

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Posted by: woberto [x] - (216.9.246.---)
Date: November 09, 2007 08:41AM
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you todo something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floorcovering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it:
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 09, 2007 05:32PM
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a cold martini on the rocks along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said: "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather." I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, " what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (166.129.141.---)
Date: November 10, 2007 05:02PM
His and Hers Diaries
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.
Posted by: euclidean [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: November 15, 2007 01:22AM
Not exactly funny but...

"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.
On a standard QWERTY keyboard.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

No proper word in the English language rhymes with;
month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only proper English word that ends in the letters "mt".

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
"abstemious" and "facetious."

The words 'racecar,'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (unless you watch mythbusters)

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that...)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The cruise liner QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.
Posted by: pro_junior [x] - (66.169.250.---)
Date: November 15, 2007 06:38AM
I recently heard something about the number forty...something about it is the only number that...can't remember what it was though...confused smiley
Posted by: Lexx [x] - (71.226.81.---)
Date: November 15, 2007 08:20PM
Forty is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order
Posted by: euclidean [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: November 15, 2007 09:07PM
Forty is an octagonal number, and as the sum of the first four pentagonal numbers, it is a pentagonal pyramidal number. Adding up some subsets of its divisors (e.g., 1, 4, 5, 10 and 20) gives 40, hence 40 is a semiperfect number.

Given 40, the Mertens function returns 0. 40 is the smallest number n with exactly 9 solutions to the equation &#966disappointed smileyx) = n.

Forty is the number of n-queens problem solutions for n = 7.

40 is a repdigit in base 3 (1111) and a Harshad number in base 10.

Jews and other nuts believe it is significant also...
Forty days (25): Gen 7:4,12,17,8:6,50:3, Ex 24:18,34:28, Deut 9:9,11,18,25, Deut 10:10, Mt 4:2, Mk 1:3, Lk 4:2, Act 1:13
Forty years (54): Ex 16:35, Num 14:33,32:13, Deut 8:2,29:5, Jos 5:6,2Sam 5:4,
1Kng 2:11,11:42, Neh 9:21, Psa 95:10, Act 7:30,36,42,13:18, Heb 3:9,17
The rains (in Noah's day) fell for 40 days and nights (Gen 7:4,12).
Isaac was 40 years old when he married Rebekah (Gen. 25:20).
Esau was 40 years old when he married Judith (Gen. 26:34).
Israel ate Manna for 40 years (Exodus 16:35).
Moses was with God in the mount, 40 days and nights (Ex. 24:18).
The sockets of silver are in groups of 40 (Ex. 26:19 & 21).
Moses was AGAIN with God 40 days and 40 nights (Ex. 34:28).
Moses was 40 years old when he first visited his people (Acts 7:23).
Moses led Israel from Egypt at age 80 (2 times 40), and after 40 years in the wilderness, died at 120 (3 times 40; Deut. 34:7). The spies searched the land of Canaan for 40 days (Num. 13:25).
Therefore, God made Israel wander for 40 years (Num. 14:33-34).
40 stripes was the maximum WHIPPING penalty (Deut. 25:3).
Caleb was 40 when he spied out the land of Canaan (Joshua 14:7).
God allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 3:11).
God again allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 5:31).
God again allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 8:28).
Abdon (a judge in Israel) had 40 sons (Judges 12:14).
Israel did evil; God gave them to enemy 40 years (Judges 13:1).
Eli judged Israel for 40 years (1 Samuel 4:18).
Goliath presented himself to Israel for 40 days (1 Sam. 17:16).
Saul reigned for 40 years (Acts 13:21).
Ishbosheth (Saul's son) was 40 when he began reign (2 Sam. 2:10).
David reigned over Israel for 40 years (2 Sam. 5:4, 1 Kings 2:11).
The holy place of the temple was 40 cubits long (1 Kings 6:17). 40 baths (measurement) was size of lavers in Temple (1 Kings 7:38).
Solomon reigned same length as his father; 40 years (1 Kings 11:42).
Elijah had one meal that gave him strength 40 days (1 Kings 19:8).
Jehoash (Joash) reigned 40 years in Jerusalem (2 Kings 12:1).
Egypt to be laid desolate for 40 years (Ezek. 29:11-12).
Ezekiel's (symbolic) temple is 40 cubits long (Ezek. 41:2).
Utter courts in Ezekiel's temple were 40 cubits long (Ez. 46:22).
God gave Nineveh 40 days to repent (Jonah 3:4).
Jesus fasted 40 days and nights (Matthew 4:2).
Jesus was tempted 40 days (Luke 4:2, Mark 1:13).
Jesus remained on earth 40 days after resurrection (Acts 1:3).
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 15, 2007 11:36PM
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers.....
They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"
Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?
Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 16, 2007 05:35AM
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend , And she's a far better lover
than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
Posted by: fossil_digger [x] - (76.185.251.---)
Date: November 16, 2007 04:52PM
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.Then I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton! And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Posted by: euclidean [x] - (59.154.144.---)
Date: November 28, 2007 12:56AM
Bob goes into a cafe and takes a seat near the window.
The waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

Not taken with anything else on the menu Bob says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waits, Bob notices the man next to him is eating a full lunch, and the bowl of chili remains uneaten.

"Excuse me sir", enquires Bob, "Are you going to eat your chili?"

"No, help yourself," replies his neighbour.

Bob picks up a spoon and eagerly begins devouring the chili, but stops half way through the bowl, upon discovering the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he pukes the chili he's just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him leans over and says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
Posted by: Placelowerplace [x] - (24.21.239.---)
Date: November 28, 2007 08:07PM
I rear-ended a car this morning...

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.

And you know how you just get sooo stressed and everything seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF ! (little person). He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

That's when the fight started.
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