My neighbours....the lesbians next door.......asked me what I would like for Christmas.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex

Now don't get me wrong, it was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

No idea if this is for real, I doubt it, but I love it.


This, apparently is a letter received by the Canadian Passport Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN

> I was in a pub last night and saw two "girls of size" (as PC now requires
> us to say) by the bar.
>
> They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their
> origins I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
>
> One of them screamed, "It's WALES you f***ing idiot!" So I immediately
> apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
>
> That's when the trouble started!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.




A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F--k did your hair?"

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snore...d so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

A school, in Gwinnett County, recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

True story time:

While in high school I had a buddy who worked as a checker at the local Safeway grocery store.

A lady comes to the register and he begins ringin up her groceries while the bag boy is merrily baggin up her stuff.

He gets to the last item in her basket and courteously asks "Will there be anything else Mam?"

She says "Oh my! I forgot the Tampax!" to which the bag boy says "I'll run and get you some Mam, be right back!"

Now the bag boy thought she'd said "thumbtacks" so in just a minute he yells across the store "Mam, do you want the kind you push in with your fingers or do you need the ones you drive in with a hammer?"

As the people standing behind the lady began to chuckle to one another my buddy said the lady turned red as a beet, paid for her groceries without uttering another word, then pushed her own groceries to the car



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2012 01:33PM by Mrkim.

later that afternoon a horny milf came into the store...at the register with her purchases the bag-boy asked if she'd like some help taking her groceries to her car, she said that she would like that very much...as they were walking out in the parking lot she whispered to him, 'I've got an itchy pussy' the bag-boy said, you're going to have to point it out ma'am all those foreign cars look alike to me!

Tampax, we may not be number one but we're right up there
Kotex, we not be the best thing in the world but right next to it

Texas Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off when the Livestock Show and Rodeo comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Astrodome/Reliant Stadium. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Asheville, NC.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
> Judge # 3 -- No report.

damn! really?

[plus613.net]

Another real life experience joke:

Workin at a cement plant years ago my foreman was a rather large guy named Larry with a decidedly different sense humor.

One night when we were pullin the midnight shift Larry decided to pull a joke on LD, our electrician.

Larry had located a flesh colored silicone dildo and inserted a welding rod into it, bent it slightly to give it a bit of an arch, then bent a crook in the end where the rod protruded out of it to act as a crank handle to make it rotate when he cranked it.

LD was on his knees with the door open on an electrical cabinet workin on it and Larry was standing behind him, checkin out his progress.

Larry slips the dildo into his overalls, unzips his fly and has the dildo hangin out right behind LDs head as LD was workin away on the problem at hand, payin no attention at all to what Larry was doin.

Larry takes his hand and starts rotating the dildo with the crank handle and says "Oh, LD I need a lil help with this".

LD dudn miss a beat and says "I'll be right with ya boss as soon as I get this sorted out."

Larry says again "LD, man I really need a lil help man, and I need it now." all the while still crankin away on his handle with the silicone dildo just behind LDs head.

LD figures, what the hell, he better see what Larry needs and turns his head to see this monster dildo right in front of his face!

LD instantly jumps up and back and tells Larry "Let me give you some ROOM for that motherfucker!!".

Lotsa crazy goins on I remember about that place, but that one stands out for sure

When a woman wears a bikini she is exposing approximately 90% of her body.

It is a testament to the chivalry of most men, and to their respect for women, that when they encounter a woman in a bikini they will not dwell on this exposed flesh and will instead look predominantly at the areas that are still covered.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your
friends..

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on
the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti - Semitic, and there was
no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show
-- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

I was visiting my young relatives last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

''This is the 21st century, old man,'' he said.

''We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my I pad.''

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

that reminds me of a link you sent me the other day Quas: Ipad

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden? POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!.... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back,

"DON'T SWING, Fred! For the Love of God, DO NOT SWING!”

A North Island police station received this question through the feedback section of a website: "How it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

A sergeant replied with this ...

"First of all, let me tell you ... it's not easy. In the Palmerston North and rural area we average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day-to-day innocents.

"At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

"We also utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass ...

1. Phone: People will call us up and cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.

2. Cars: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. It's lots of fun when you pick people out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

3. Laws: When we don't have a phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others ... They spell out all sorts of things you can use to really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them.

"It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab we try to keep the streets safe ... . they pay us to 'harass' some people.

"Next time you are in Palmerston North, give me the old 'single finger wave'. That's another one of those codes. It means, 'you can harass me'. It's one of our favourites."

I felt compelled to send the following email to the principal of the local high school:

Mr. Shafer,

As the parent of three graduates of Charlotte High I'd like to suggest that your current students be instructed in the process of natural selection as it applies to walking to the bus stop in the dark on the roadway rather than on the provided sidewalk. Yesterday in the darkness at 6:40 A.M. on S.Fairway Drive there were several students walking on the north side of the road in the direction of traffic rather than on the sidewalk which was built for their use on the south side just a couple of years ago, a very dangerous situation that could lead to a tragic though possibly appropriate adjustment to the gene pool.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost his shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!” The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went. As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

Gotta love those grand kids.

See, they are learning something in certain schools.

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and...
I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said "It's President's Day!".

She is a smart kid.

So I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps
out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow,
we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.

" You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.' The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
...
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.



As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never donebefore ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.