Posted by: pro_junior
] - (Moderator)
Date: January 12, 2013 08:48PM
Say something funny
Posted by: pro_junior
Date: January 06, 2007 01:49PM
Douche Bag Traits
Often times certain phrases are used disparagingly to describe a particular type of individual. One such phrase commonly used to describe a pretentious asshole or a person who's trying way too hard to be cool is "douche bag". Many of you may know a douche bag or two, or may in actuality be one yourself without realizing it. My intention with this article is to do two things:
1) Help you spot a douche bag so you can correct him on his douchey-osity
2) Help you correct douchey traits you may yourself possess
Hopefully you'll have a clear understanding of things a douche bag wears, says, does, etc. by the end of this article and be able to correct any douchey-ness in yourself and/or assist others in correcting their douche-baggy behaviour. In the future I'll go into specifics about the sub-categories of douche bags, but for now we'll focus on the age 18-34 douche bag.
Before we move on, it must be noted that douche-baggotry is a disease, much like obesity or necrophilia, however, to this day there is no known vaccine to cure it. There have been scientific studies conducted on douche bags in the last decade, and new evidence suggests that douche-baggotry is indeed a genetic disorder. To date, the only available remedy to this horrible affliction is to call out a douche bag on his behaviour. Only then can steps be taken to permanently decrease one's "douchey-osity".
The below douche bag traits are not listed in any particular order, they are all equally douchey:
1) Popped collar on a shirt. --nuff said
2) Any bracelet or necklace worn makes one a douche bag. The only acceptable jewelry for a man is a wrist watch.
3) BMW driver. All BMW drivers under the age of 50 are douche bags. There's nothing wrong with a luxury automobile, just BMWs. Typically a BMW driver will leave his keys sitting on top of the bar so as to "impress" chicks. Total dick move, douche bag. Thinketh the ladies, "Nice car, sorry 'bout your penis."
4) Spikey hair with too much product. Seriously, stop it.
5) Facial hair, especially a goatee, or other sort of meticulously groomed beard. If you're going to have a beard, just go all out like those dudes from ZZTop.
6) Cell phone worn on belt. Your pants have pockets, fucking use them, douche bag.
7) Hat backwards. This one is easily remedied: TURN YOUR FUCKING HAT AROUND, DOUCHE BAG. (also, hats worn with a tilt.
8) Dressy sandals. Not only are you a douche bag if you wear these, you're also a Dildo.
9) Pink Shirts
10) Frat tuck. This is when only the front of the shirt is tucked in. You are so beyond douchey if you do this.
11) Tag-Heuer watch. Nothing against a nice watch, just this particular brand. Often a BMW driver will wear a watch like this.
12) Croakies. These are neoprene devices used to hold sunglasses around the neck. Very douche-tastic.
13) Drinking mixed drinks other than margaritas. Margaritas are the only exception to the rule for a man. Gin and tonics are douchey and girly. Vodka tonics are douchey and girly. Acceptable beverages are whiskey, vodka, tequila, beer. Anything added to a hard liquor other than water or ice is douchey. For instance, Crown Royal is good. Coke is good. Mixing the two together, DOUCHEY. Gatorade is good. Vodka is good. Mixing them together=DOUCHEY.
14) Extensive knowledge of sports statistics. Some is O.K., but knowing every player in the NHL's jersey number is douchey.
15) Belts with flags, whales, or other logos is douchey. Your belt should be leather all the way around, douche bag.
16) Blue tooth or other hands free cellular device. Hey, douche bag, while you got a free hand reach over here and stroke my cock.
17) Layering two polo shirts. I can't emphasize enough how douchey this is.
18) Von Dutch t-shirts.
19) John Deere hats if you're not a farmer. Anyone following a trend set by Ashton Kutcher is a total fucking douche bag.
20) Anything Abercrombie.
21) If you listen to Train.
22) Excessive bending of the bill of your hat.
23) Madras shorts.
24) Sperry Topsider/docksiders...especially with no socks.
25) Flip-flops worn in the winter time.
26) T-shirts that say "Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore" or similar t-shirts that attempt humour in vain.
27) Those fagotty-assed yellow "Live Strong" bracelets. Don't tell me it's for a good cause, you wear it because you're a douche bag who likes bracelets.
28) Use of the phrase "I was so wasted" or "We were so wasted".
31) Shorts with lobsters, whales, etc.
32) Jersey with the name of a pro athlete on the back.
33) Using the word "grande" or "venti" or other coffee-speak when ordering a cup of coffee. Just say small, medium, or large, a-hole.
34) Ordering anything other than coffee when you're at a coffee shop. This includes frappacinos, mochiattas, and any other douchey shit.
35) Continuing to wear your sunglasses on your face when you're indoors. Take 'em off, fucktard.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/01/2013 08:49PM by pro_junior.