mmmm Beaver

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pro_junior posted on January 24, 2006, 10:57 am
I bought a new toilet brush last week, I don't really like it though...I think I'll switch back to paper
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! My cheeks hurt from laughing, seriously!

Mary had a little lamb...
The midwife fainted.

little miss muffet sat on a tuffet
along came a spider and sat down beside her and said, what's in the bowl BITCH??!!

There once was a man named Kent
Who's dong was so long that it bent
To stay out of trouble
He stuck it in doubled
And instead of coming he went

jack and jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter...
JILL CAME DOWN WITH 2.50!

Don't how many of you may shop at Wal-Mart,
but this may be useful to know. I am posting this
to you to warn you of something that happened
to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping there. This happened to me at Wal-Mart
in Greenville and it could easily happen to you too!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking
18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing
your bags in the car .

They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, almost falling out of
their skimpy t-shirts
. It
is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No Thanks' and instead ask you
for a ride to the bus station.

You know you shouldn't but you agree and they
get in the back seat. On the way, they strip off their clothes.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and sits on your lap while the other one steals
your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday,
twice on Thursday, again on Friday, and also today.
Keep a careful eye out, they may not be there
for much longer !

One evening while visiting their favorite watering hole a husband leans
over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you."

With a longing look in her eyes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around out back and we can do
it again for old time's sake?"

"Oh Buddy, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but I like the idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he silently follows them outside.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is AMAZED!

He realizes he has just learned something about life that he had not
known before. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on.

The Policeman, still watching, thinks to himself "That was truly
amazing! I've got
to ask them what their secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Hot Date !

| | | Inbox



Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the
bar looking somewhat dejected. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.


"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yeah sure" replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to
ask her out, and she said yes!"

"That's great!" says Jeff, "So when are you two going out?"

"Well, we had a date set for this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again, so ... I got some duct tape and
taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show, you know?"

"That sounds sensible enough." says Jeff.

"So I get to her door, and rang the doorbell. She came to the door in
the sheerest, sexiest, dress you've ever seen!"

"And what happened then?" asked his friend.

Sadly, Jeff replied "I kicked her in the face."

Subject: The Koala & The Lizard

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree



smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says





"HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint,

come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next

to the koala and they have a few joints

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is

'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans

too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little

lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little

lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was

sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got

too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into

the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting

finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:



"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Subject: Wyoming Cowboy


A Wyoming cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when
Suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
Herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
Peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
Connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
Exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that
Scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
Exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
Seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
Processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an
ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
after A
few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
Says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
What your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
Not?"

You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party" says the
Cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
Paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You
tried To
show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
About
cows........

Now give me back my dog."

GOOD
InRichardson, TexasState Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot
to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem.
A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He
replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Not a joke (sorry)
Many years ago a work colleage was travelling in the USA and was pulled over in Texas. As is the custom in Australia, he got out of the car and went to meet the Policeman. BIG MISTAKE. He is lucky to be alive today.
American HP need to chill out.
Anyway fossil, if you gonna keep clipping jokes from your email, you need some "cut and paste" lessons ~

yeah, do not ever get outta the car unless they tell ya to!
if they tell ya to, just drop in the felony position right off the bat!
what's wrong w/ my cut and paste techniques? i don't doctor 'em any...:~{

Double line spacing is rather annoying.
But hey, I don't wanna be another version of the spelling police, there are enough of them around here anyway.
So here's a relevant joke:
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

And now for something completely different...
Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."
The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"
She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the FIRST girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

"Double line spacing is rather annoying."
doesn't take much to annoy you does it, harberto?

i shall endeavor to make my lokes more enjoyable for you to read...:~{

It's not a secret PJ.
But it is surprising that my images were deleted on both accounts, seeing as I posted images but never comments before now. Still, TommyT's fanclub hasn't caught on yet so I haven't had any abuse hurled at me for a while now

If every nation had to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

farkin icehole! fargin-a bastage!
feel better now?

You leave my icehole outta this!
[www.plus613.com]

lmao, you musta read my mind. i could'nt find this pic

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the- rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all th e
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own money at such a young
age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheetrock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

DOCTOR SAYINGS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Doctor wouldn't submit his name

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

This picture remided me of the earlier joke...
"Three women have a very late night drinking..."
[www.plus613.com]

What NOT to ask a Cop

A cop pulls a car over and approaches the driver.

While looking in as the driver digs for his ID and such, the cop notices the drivers eyes are really blodshot and says "Sir your eyes are pretty red, have you been drinking or perhaps smokin a little weed today?".

The driver looks up at the officer and says "Why no officer I haven't, mind if I ask you a question ?".

The cop says "Sure, what's on your mind ?".

The driver says "You have something white and crusty looking on your lips. Have you been blowin your partner or just eating donuts ?". :>

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a
steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

That's not exactly funny...