What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.

Oh that cowboy one is good I'll remember it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/04/2015 01:45PM by BlahX3.

After 35 years of service, mailman George decided to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.
When they're done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHTS AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as President and she's disposed of Bill for the
evening and is spending her first night all alone in the White House. She's
waited years for this very night!

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary asks,
"Mr. President, how can I best serve my country?" Washington says,
"Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that idea."

SECOND NIGHT
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve
my country Mr. President?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh!" she says, "I really, really don't want to do that." she says.

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears and Hillary asks,
"Mr. President, how can I best serve my country?" To which Lincoln replies ...

"Go to the theater."

I broke the forum again.. funny stuff..

jajajajajaja

That's not funny, it's BAU

so a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a masonic lodge...

Ouch. Didn't one of them stop walking when the first one hit it?

na it was a mobius lodge

This afternoon I was offered sex by a very hot 25 year old woman.
In exchange I would help her by going on different websites and promote some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined the offer because of my high morals and strong willpower. Which is just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented in lemon or vanilla!

My mother laughed when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.
But you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

*smack*

A 60yo billionaire marries a hot 25yo girl.
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.
After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.
"It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age".
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell her you are?" a friend asks.
With a smile on his lips the billionaire responds
"85 years old".

"I don't like country music but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." - Bob Newhart

AnalTech

stupid spam bots

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?



One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Maybe if we tell people that Brain is an app, they will start using it.

The baby said:

"You mean to tell me that spoons don't actually sound like airplane?!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 20/11/2017 01:28AM by khouji.

To Lonzo Ball:

When you have a hairstyle that looks like a clown, and your game is a JOKE!

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

When my girlfriend said she was leaving
because of my obsession with The Monkees,
I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.