Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia
decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies
including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion.
Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and
drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing
the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it
float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?' Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?'

Darel said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'

Nice one ¤¥¤

PUB TALES



I was at the pub last night and some asshole looked at my beer belly and asked, is that Budweiser or Corona?"

"There's a tap underneath," I told him, "Take a taste."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look quite handsome."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to that great looking chick across the room instead of you."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw an extremely 'hefty' chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

"Definitely," I said, "Most tables woulda collapsed. "

***

I was telling a girl in the pub last night about my ability to guess the day a woman was born simply by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go ahead and try."

After about a minute and a half of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on now, which day was I born"?

"Yesterday," I told her.

***

A final thought...

"Jesus loves you."

Is a nice thing to hear in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

A Sunday school teacher asked her students if they knew any facts about Jesus.
Susie said "he was born in a manger".
Bobby said "he threw the money changers out of the temple"
Little Johnny said "he has a red truck but doesn't know how to drive it".
The teacher asked where he had learned that.
"From my daddy" said Little Johhny "yesterday we were driving down the road when a red truck pulled out in front of us and my dad shouted 'Jesus Christ, why don't you learn how to drive'".

Someone should release a beer called "Responsibly" that way
they get free advertising at the end of all their competitors ad's.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25,
and her name's Beverly .

Can I borrow it for a weekend?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Rochester , NY .


He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff... went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Shit! I've just seen a plane come down!
I called 911 and shouted, "You're gonna fucking need everything - ambulances, fire engines, police!"
I like to think of myself as a hero, but the police like to call me, "That cunt who lives near the airport".

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.
A lot of people on bikes taking drugs.

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but could not say "Truck."

I should hurt you for that one

Q: What do you call four crows milling about on the side of a road?

A: An attempted murder.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.

When the ship made it into port, a young sailor asked his well seasoned mariner buddy if he'd give him a tour of the local hot spots, so off they went.

As they walked along the young sailor pointed out a hot blond and asked "Ever slept with a blond babe like that?", to which the old hand just said, "Sure, lotsa times.".

Making their way a bit further on the young pup spied a delicious brunette and asked his buddy "Ever slept with a gorgeous brunette like that one", to which his friend again replied "Sure, lotsa times.".

A cuppla blocks further on they happened upon a sexy red headed babe and the younger salt quizzed his friend "Ever slept with a hot red head like that one?", to which he replied "Not a wink!"

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican .

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers
'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate
$100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'


The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed.'

'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.'

'My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed.'

The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this
day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it.'

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'

'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.

'We're losing the Wonder-Bread account.'

I met a French guy the other day.
"Do you speak German?" I asked.
"No" he replied.
"You're welcome" I said.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule
lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was,
so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

That one reminds me of this one:

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Dave asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it! I'm scared! I think I'm going crazy!
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is over twelve thousand dollars! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!'

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
"Santa Claus??" exclaims the woman,
"Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Asks Santa.
"Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned."
Santa replies, "Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."
"My goodness!" exclaims the woman. "That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?"
"There is one thing... how about a blowjob?"
"Well... sure!"
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.
As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman "by the way, how old are you?"
"I'm 27" replies the woman while wiping her mouth.
"You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.

What's white on the top and black on the bottom?
society

what's black on the top and white on the bottom?
rape

Why don't black people go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.

Why do blacks hate aspirin?
Because its white, it works, and you have to pick cotton out of the top.

How do you know a black girl is pregnant?
When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton has been picked off.

What do you call a bunch of white men sitting on a bench?
The NBA

What's black and lights up at night?
Oakland

Why are black people so fast?
Because the slow ones are in jail.

What's the difference between a black guy and a bucket of shit?
The bucket

Why are black guys teary-eyed after sex?
The mace.

Why don't you see any black people on star trek?
Because they don't have jobs in the future either.

How do you save a black guy from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you do when you see a black guy with a hole in his head?
Stop laughing and reload.

What's long and black?
The unemployment line.


AND FINALLY!!


A little black boy is watching his mom bake cookies. He sneaks up and grabs some flour, runs upstairs, throws it on his face, and says "Grandpa! Grandpa! Look...I'm a little white boy!"
Grandpa slaps him upside the head and says "Damnit boy, go tell your daddy what you just said!" The boy runs to the living room and says "Daddy! Daddy! Look...I'm a little white boy!"
Dad slaps him upside the head and says "Damnit boy, go tell your momma what you just said!" The boy runs back into the kitchen and says "Mommy! Mommy! Look...I'm a little white boy!" Mom smacks him upside the head and says "Damnit boy! Now what have you learned?"
The boy rubs his head and looks a little confused. After a few seconds he looks up and says "You know, I've been white for about 5 minutes and I already hate you fucking niggers!"

Whaddya get when you cross an elephant with peanut brittle?
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Know where elephants love to hide?
In trees.

Ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Me neither, pretty effective eh?

Know why elephants have flat feet?
From jumpin outta trees.

Know elephants second favorite hiding place?
In the refrigerator.

How can you tell when an elephant's been hidin out in your refrigerator?
Tracks in the jello.

How do you fit 4 elephants in a Mini?
2 in the front and 2 in the back.

How do you fit 4 giraffes in a Mini?
Take the elephants out first.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

How do you know there's been 4 elephants hiding in your refrigerator?
The Mini's parked outside.

Why do elephant soles have wrinkles?
To give ants a 50/50 chance.

What's the black stuff between elephants' toes?
Slow running natives.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 16/07/2013 09:14PM by GAK67.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

"Why do elephant soles have wrinkles?
To give ants a 50/50 chance.

What's the black stuff between elephants' toes?
Slow running natives."

You fucked it up GAK. Choose between ants or natives but they have to be the same in both lines for the joke to work as intended.

I got it right Blah - you tell the ant joke first so that when you ask the second joke the people you ask think the answer will be something about ants, but it's obviously not.

I can't believe I'm having to explain elephant jokes to (presumably) an adult.