A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband and she says "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"...Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"..She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand. He nervously asks,'Is this your husband?''No, silly,' she replies, 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, 'Is it your your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear. 'That's me before the surgery.'

Man and wife sitting in room, he says to her, "Just so u no, I never want 2 live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug." Wife gets up, unplugs tv and throws out all his beer

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. hat do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"

The Wisdom of an Old Marine

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity.

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base).. Then he said, '"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him! Don't give him any then."

Funny, but true!

A private British security firm fired two guards after they attached an ankle monitor to an offender they were watching, but didn't notice that they had put it on his prosthetic leg.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. ... But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. ... ... ... The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
* I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

itsa...pullover!

i knew i must have posted it before, but was too lazy to look.

haha I hit search, and entered in 'tazer' and there it was

Fucken'Americans, you even miss-spell an acronym...

Click here to read about Thomas A Smiths Electric Rifle.

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me blow a load of cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
____________________________________________________


A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

______________________________________________________


Was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.”

I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________


The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently, “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly,” wasn’t the right answer.
____________________________________________________

Penny, nice.

Reminds me of a fancy dress party where two Jamaican guys turned up naked, except one had a bowl of custard in his hand and his dick resting in it, the other had his dick stuck into a pear.
I asked what the hell they were supposed to be.
The first guy said in his Jamaican accent "Well, I'm fucking dis-custard"
And the other guys said "Yes, and I'm deep in dis-pair".

shaDEz Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> > Joke!!!
>
> A person reviewing people in an insane asylum
> walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He
> starts to review patients to see what they will do
> when they get out.
>
> He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing
> a football around. He automatically knows that he
> wants to be a football player.
>
> He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a
> baseball around. He could automatically tell that
> he wanted to be a baseball player.
>
> He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his
> dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks
> what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking
> nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Thinking on your feet....

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over & handed the girl a £10 ticket for a safety fine. The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad & next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop & said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled & answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop & said: 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Iowa
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a treeline that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone..

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?".

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live…

my wife went to the gynecologist today, she told me the doctor said she had the pussy of a 20 year old...I said, oh yeah? did he say anything about your Big Ass?? she said, no he didn't mention you at all...

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship...
The reporter said "she's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court".
I glanced over at my wife.
That's when the fight started.

Better throw some cold water on her. Then it'll be time to jump ship.

SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when
the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,


watching the front door of the brothel over the road.


The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.


"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.


"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,


knocks, and goes inside.


"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"


They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi


when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.


"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.


"One of the girls must have died...”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Quasi walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

Quasi said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Quasi seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and Quasi stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned Quasi and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said Quasi, 'but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!'

The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me...
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Works every time.