Did you hear about the newly-wed couple who mistook window caulking for Vaseline?








Their windows fell out!

6 important life lessons

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Lesson 6

When you're in a warm safe place and you don't know how you ended up there...
... just keep your God damn mouth shut!

rule # 3: Double tap

What is Osama bin Laden's cure for a hangover?

A couple of shots and a swim.

Bar patron: I'll have a Whiskey bin Laden please.

Bartender: What's a bin Laden?

Bar patron: A couple of shots and a splash of water.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2011 02:41AM by GAK67.

Some truths, some just funny.

1. I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
4. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
8. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
11. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
12. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
13. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
14. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
15. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
16. Mother’s never seem to see the irony in calling their child a son-of-a-bitch.
17. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
20. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
21. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
22. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
23. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
24. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
25. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
28. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
30. A computer might beat you at chess, but it wouldn’t be much of a match at kick boxing.
31. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
32. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
33. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
34. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
35. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
36. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
37. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
38. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. Just because you are not at fault doesn’t mean you won’t get blamed.
41. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
42. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
43. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
44. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
45. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
46. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
47. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
48. Some bring happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
49. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
50. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
51. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.
52. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
53. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
54. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
55. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
56. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
57. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
58. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
59. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Gemini and she’s a bitch.
60. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
61. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
62. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
63. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
64. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
65. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
66. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
67. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
68. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
69. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
70. When in doubt, mumble.
71. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
72. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
73. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
74. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
75. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
76. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
77. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
78. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
79. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
80. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
81. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
82. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
83. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

# 3.

#57.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to
grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you.



Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

F##king mosquito!!!!!

Little Denny asks his Dad, "Why does Mommy have a shrimp?"

Dad says, "A shrimp? What are you talking about?"

Denny says, "I'll show you!"

They go into the bedroom, and there lies mommy sleeping
naked. Denny points between her legs and says, "There!"

Dad says, "That's not a shrimp, that's her clitoris!"

Denny says, "Oh, tastes like a shrimp."

ewwwww!

PJ that's pretty bad,
not as bad as sticking a dozen oysters up your granny's fanny then sucking out 13,
but still pretty bad.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

I think #3 would be better if you asked to dine in.

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters---

when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there..
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
# 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that


Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year
Your Humble Client of many years

And remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options"
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A good Catholic Joke
(FYI Julia Gillard is the deFacto Prime Minister of Australia)

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, gets off his bike and says,"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

D'oh!

Being a modest man, when l checked into my hotel on a recent trip.
I said to the lady at the front desk..... " I hope the Porn channel in my room is disabled? To which she replied,
"No, its Regular Porn, you sick bastard".

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay ... How old am I?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how can you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't,' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds’.

The Bible, it's hilarious!

Genesis 38:9-10: "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also."

Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord."

Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together."
Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn't realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor's wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)

Mark 10:8, you "are no longer two, but one flesh." And, Mark 10:9 reads, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, "And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'"

Deuteronomy 23:1 reads (this is the God's Word translation, which spells it out better), "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord."
Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, "No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12. "If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The U.S. government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

A Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!

An apparent drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theater.
When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy, "Sorry, Sir, but you're
Only allowed one seat." The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge. The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
He returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
Finally, they had enough and called the police.
A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
"Where ya all from, Sam?"asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said,
"The Balcony."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.