An elderly Irish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.. ..?

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,? Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' Jaysus'!!!!, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years !!

But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again !!

I really was pissed off when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Apparently it's Africa.

Perception

Two women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his
dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five
minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out
to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked
for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because
they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to
take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have
money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when
we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking
candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for
an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did,
I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was
jabbering away for another hour!

ABET, v.t. To encourage in crime, as to aid poverty with pennies
ABOMINABLE, adj. The quality of another's opinions.
ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
ACQUIT, v.t. To render judgment in a murder case in San Francisco.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.
AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked your pocket with his tongue.

BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
BASE, adj. The quality of a competitor's motive.
BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband
BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.
BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment.
CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle
CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron---namely, that he is a blockhead.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness
COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own.
CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CONSULT, v.t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannonball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
CUI BONO? (Latin). What good would that do ME?
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.
DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
DEFAME, v.t. 1. To lie about another. 2. To tell the truth about another.
DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies.
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

EAT, v.i. To perform successivly (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
FASION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang.
HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see or feel.
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another---the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field or thought or action, but 'pervades and regulates the whole.' He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and cicumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceie any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability. . .
INK, n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house - pray let me insure it.
HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.
INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no - we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.
HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can I afford that?
INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which -
HOUSE OWNER: Spare me - there were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -
INSURANCE AGENT: Spare me!
HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last so long as you say it will probably last.
INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss.
HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon - by your own actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to you - amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were insured?
INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss.
HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not?
INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly if we did not -
HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well, thenl. If it is certain, with reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is probable, with reference to any one of them, that he will. It is these individual probabilities that make the aggregate certainty.
INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it - but look at the figures in this pamph -
HOUSE OWNER - Heaven forbid!
INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift.
HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object.

INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inpiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features, and accompanied by inarticulate noises.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds puncture in the swim-bladder of self-esteem - a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

MARIJUANA, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles---particularly when he didn't lead.

NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.
OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against his enemy.
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
ONCE, adv. Enough.
OPTIMISM, n. The doctine, or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything is good, especially the bad, and everything is right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.
OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerers.
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the conviction that one thing is better than another.
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in damanding it.
PROOF, n. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
PUBLISH, v. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions except those of observation, experience and reflection.
REALLY, adv. Apparently.
REASON, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
RHYME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad.
RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or customk, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

TAKE, v. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
TURKEY, n. A large bird, whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

VIRTUES, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
VITUPERATION, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace.
WEATHER, n. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned.
WHITE, adj. and n. Black.

YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 30/03/2010 10:20AM by Jroc.

What’s the best things about being married to a Panda?

No-one notices the black eyes.

And you get to fuck a Panda.

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.

He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin’ it’s ass.

When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

ONE MUST ADMIRE A SON WHO LISTENS TO HIS FATHER


This explains it..........



On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:


"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

One sunny day in late January 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man once again approached the White House and spoke to the same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have come here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, sir."

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible . . . No wait . . .
I’m thinking of alcohol.

California vs. Arizona




California:



Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.


2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.



Arizona:



Governor of Arizona is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. Buzzards eat dead coyote.



And that's why California is broke.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.


Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna

Boy Punished for Farting on the School Bus

[www.latimes.com]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” says the farmer. “How many sheep were there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“How can there be 40?” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

My favorite joke is that one about Jonestown, but I stopped telling it because the punch line was too long.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
Name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Dave, it's winter in CANADA , and
I'm driving the F*** ING SALT TRUCK.........."

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so... they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.

two does walk out of a bar, one says to the other, I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks in there...

Check out this author's response to critics...
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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day..'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ... '
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2011 05:23AM by pro_junior.

I'd give that one a + if DK would get off his arse.

Why I'm divorced . . ..


Last week 02/15 was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..



I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone

' Happy Birthday.'


I thought....


Well, that's marriage for you,

but the kids....

They will remember.


My kid came bounding down stairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,

my secretary Jane said,

'Good Morning Boss,

and by the way

Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go !'


We went to lunch..

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office,

Jane said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?'


I responded,

'I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?'

She said,

'Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner..'


After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'





'Ok.' I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kid,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....


On the couch....


Naked.

.

+

What did Batman tell Robin before getting in to the Batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile"

Last year I replaced all the windows in
my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and
today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I
still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo........just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what
his fast-talking-sales guy had told me last year, that in 'ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves.' Helllooooo? It's been a year!
I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.