My Living Will


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the
living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine..

She's such an ass .

I called my stockbroker today and asked him, "What are you buying" ?

His answer: “Canned goods and ammunition.”


Sounds right to me.

Don't talk to my parrot ....

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DONOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied,
"Get him Spike!"

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new healthcare reform package (even before anything has been announced)....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the entire idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington to wipe up.

Dear Citizens,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, I, President Obama have decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as I, President Obama deem appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by me, President Obama.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. I, President Obama have always prided myself on the amount of SHIT I give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

President Obama

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots. With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin. The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course... .. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night." The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, Sweetheart." The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME SKILL EVERY TIME!!

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who
demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million
in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented
the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing
wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

So this technician is working on replacing a blown head gasket and re-seating the valves when he notices the owner peeking in the bay. He waves the guy over and shows the owner what is going on. The tech notices that the customer is wearing a hospital ID badge.
“Are you a doctor?”
“yes. A heart surgeon.”
“Oh. So you repair valves, fix leaks, adjust timing, like me?”
“Basically, yes.”
“So, why do you as a doctor get paid more than I do as a mechanic if we both do the same kind of job?”
“Well, try doing your job with the engine still running.”

A cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."

Fossil sent me this the other day :



-


What to do during a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next
to you ...



1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;

7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
[www.myit-media.de]
[www.myit-media.de]

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

old joke


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.”

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, he slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey? I just can never trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

TOP 12 INDICATORS THE ECONOMY IS REALLY BAD....

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven, and they gave me a bank.

9. Hot wheels and Match box car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM - to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3. Motel 6 won't leave the lights on (Gore & Pelosi are thrilled).

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.


And the Number 1 indicator

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them..

Scribbles from "Out In The Sticks" in Texas


Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ..

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas



Here are some little known facts about Texas :

1. Beaumont,Texas to El Paso,Texas : 742 miles
2. Beaumont,Texas to Chicago,Illinois : 770 miles
3. El Paso,Texas is closer to California than to Dallas,Texas
4. The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos,Texas on July 4th, 1883
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North Americas only remaining flock of whooping cranes
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978 <YUMMY!
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969 was " Houston ..."
12. The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than the state of Rhode Island
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by treaty, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas state flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and it may choose to divide itself into 5 states at any point in history without US government approval
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state and borders Texas and Louisianna
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper
18. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington,DC (by 7 feet)
19. The name " Texas " comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas as is often thought
20. The Texas state animal is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into
four, and they either have four males or four female pups)
21. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2009 03:38PM by Mrkim.

Pfft.
The state of Western Australia is the largest Australian State with an area of more than 2.5million sqare kilometers (1.5milion square miles)
Western Australia is three and a half times as big as Texas.
The state animal is the Numbat and it can kick an armadillo's ass!
Its capital Perth is closer to Singapore and Jakarta than it is to Canberra (Australias capital)
Perth Is the sunniest capital city in the world, with an average 8 hours per day sunshine 365 days per year.
Perth is also the capital city in the world with the most consistent wind with the welcome breeze of the 'Fremantle Doctor' arriving to cool down beach goers between 12pm & 3 pm virtually every day of the year.
Perth has the largest inner city park in the world, Kings Park, " yes " bigger than even New Yorks Central Park it was also the first park to be designated for public use in Australia in 1872.
Western Australia's Mt Augustus is the largest rock in the world, 8 kilometres long, 3 kilometres across and .377 kilometres high.
(for fossil...) The worlds oldest form of living organisms ( Stromatolites )can be found in Western Australia.
Perth was nominated by the original American astronauts as the 'City of Lights' --- standing out as the bright spot on planet Earth!
Western Australia is the only place on earth where all three types of Marlin game fish can be tagged at one location.
The Argyle Diamond Mine in the far north of West Australia, is the world's largest diamond mine.
Marble Bar in the state's north holds the world record for consecutive days of over 100 degrees F (37.8C) of 160 days. The highest temperature recorded in the state was 50.7 C at Eucla in the east and the lowest, -7 C at Dwellingup.

ask anyone on the planet to point out Dallas, then point out Perth....

Who shot JR? That's all anyone in the southern hemishere knows about Dallas.

I hate to say it, but I agree with berto. I could pick out Texas on a map, but not Dallas. Whereas not only could I tell you where Perth is, but could make a pretty good guess at Broome too.

Anyway, back to the thread...

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer:
It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. They didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. We keep all the oil in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, but all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

i have no idea who shot JR!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope said, "Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, "One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever??
Show me", she said. So the Pope slapped her

FIGHTER PILOT PIANO PLAYER


A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 Phantom pilot and a Colonel in the Louisiana Air National Guard but when they retired the Phantom they cashiered me as well. So I learned to play the piano on the GI Bill."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try and said, "OK give me a sample of your playing."

The Colonel staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Colonel, after he took a long pull from the beer. "And I wrote it myself," he said.


The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player then went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself as he stumbled and lurched to the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Colonel, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"



"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Pullover quasi
[plus613.net]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”

The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”

The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”

They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ”

She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know…
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making texan steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The texan says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep and get to work late. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I hail a cab to return home, and when one stops I remember I left my wallet and credit cards at home. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held
the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works... Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent
Love, Jimmie

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.