An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man, suddenly the Irishman says, 'It's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. What's wrong my son?' asked Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, 'Bugger off, I'm on workers compensation.'

I don't know what a Newfie is .. and Australians don't drink Fosters, it's the rest of you fools that do I couldn't name a single pub that sells it.

Fosters always reminds me of a guy in college that tried to smash an "oil can" on his forehead....he took an hour nap.

i'm going to post this here, and i can't remember if i posted it the first time i heard it, but it is the funniest thing i've heard in a long time....since the first time i guess.

ROFLMFAO!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 16/02/2009 03:38AM by fossil_digger.

where do cousins come from? auntholes

An ICBM is what happens when you take a shit outside in Antarctica.

Why is Santa's sack so full?

Because he only comes once a year!

Stop it fossil

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let’s face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really=2 0doesn't "sound" flammab le. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of dads muzzleloader pyrodex . At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.


Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH CRAP he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh.. Hell. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF’n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was du st, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... Okay, just one more... Maybe a third to be social...May aswell make it a few more now I've missed the last bus...



The wife gave me a nice long blow job for Christmas yesterday.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that our daughter had got me the same.

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.' The landlord nodded and said,
'Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish.'

A Terrorist asks the help of timmy, a down syndrome man eager to become a martyr. He gives timmy a small bomb wrapped in tinfoil, he tells him to take it

through the police checkpoint and press the red button outside side the market. "If the your asked what it is then tell them its your lunch" timmy agrees, he gets

to the Police checkpoint and is searched as usual by the Officer. "Whats this?" asks the suspicious Officer. timmy nervously replies "My sh..and..witches!" The

officer takes a closer inspection and jumps back "What the FUCK!!! Its ticken" He shouts. To which the downs man says "No no no... Its not ticken its ham

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME.... I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE"

i was thinking another friend of mine sent me that one ^^^^ sorry Quas.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

a senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it at 80 MPH,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "AMAZING" he
thought as he flew up I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, red
light flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 MPH........then
110 .......then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this," and pulled over to await the troopers arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me one reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day Sir," replied the trooper.

Two men standing at the bar of a country club.
One says, "I'm a country member."
Other one says, "Yes, I remember."

his is from Miami Herald's news hound Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastro-enterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear any thing he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Movi-Prep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will-discuss Movi-Prep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Americas enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the movi-Prep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Movi-Prep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for Movi-Prep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. Movi-Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Movi-Prep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of Movi-Prep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Movi-Prep spurt-age. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Movi-Prep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies.. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are rectal comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left handout...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
And the best one of all.
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

I bought a new cat last week and I'm really worried about him. He keeps chasing sticks, pissing up trees and trying to hump my wife's leg.
I took him to the vets this morning and it looks like he's suffering from a disease called, "This is a dog you stupid cunt



Tsutomu Yamaguchi has been revealed as the only known survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bomb attacks.
He has survived to the ripe old age of 93 and although details of his medical history have been kept private he is described as a little deaf in one ear.
The hearing in the other three is said to be perfectly fine


Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls

Dear President Obama,
Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the ones down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it several times, then bought SUV's, ATV's, RV’s, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley. I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed: "Concerned in USA "

P. S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P. P. S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy!
I thought to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls".
Then I remembered, she was, and that's why I was here



I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.


The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm.
So at 6:45 this morning I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse. When I was finished I whispered in her ear, "Time to get up for work, darling

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

Larry died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Larry would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah. "Forty-thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jody computed quickly. "$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Four and a half carats."

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? Talk about cool!! The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don 't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love,
Tom

I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).
The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it. What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise line is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days. All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:
$800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum)
M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day with amm o at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing for $15.95
AK-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com bloc ball ammo for $14.95
Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds of 50 BMG armor piercing at $19.95
Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads
Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.
Free complimentary night vision equipment.Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.
"We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.

Here are a few testimonials:

"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!" ---- Stan, Denver, CO USA
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again." ---- Lars , Hamburg , Germany
"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 1 2 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English." ----- Ned, Salt Lake City , Utah USA
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM .. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use, and their crappy aim reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' doorgunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam .." ----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo , Ohio USA ..
"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do." ---Zeke, Minnahaw Springs , Kentucky USA

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought ?about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.??
Suddenly?she just stopped and stared at the ?ground.
He ?noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.?
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.?
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a ?cute and innocent question he replied, ?'No dear. ?Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'?
'The ?little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.?
'Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden!'

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing."

The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

The Economy Is So Bad..

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.