A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
' PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.
' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
THIS IS GOOD .......
The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American , you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!

Subject: THE COUNTRY OF TEXAS


Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

Here is what can happen:
#1: Barack Obama becomes President of the United States , Texas immediately secedes from the Union .
#2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas .


So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry will have to figure out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications--small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Miconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the largest research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. Dallas has some of the best hospitals in the United States .
8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North Texas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have a ready supply of workers. We could just open the border when we need some more.
10. We have essential control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over Chuck Norris and a couple of Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!


o.k.! bash away

You're right - that is funny!

1. What are you going to do with a launch pad without the finances to build the craft?
2. Oil companies are greedy businesses - they will export.
3. How much of the military would defend Texas against the rest of the USA?
4. See 2. above.
5. See 2. above.
6. Those companies will just relocate because texas is not a big enough market to sustain them.
7. There are other good hospitals in the US and in other countries.
8. Colleges that are cut off from the rest of the world will not attract researchers in large numbers and therefore student numbers and educational standards will decline.
9. Get used to speaking Spanish!.
10. See 6 above, besides there are other sources available.
11. See 3 above. Can You be sure that all of those citizens with 6 rifles would want to secede from the US - watch your back. And if you want to put your faith in an aging bad actor go ahead.
12. Self sufficiency is good - you are going to need it when you become a third world country.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 24/11/2008 08:05PM by GAK67.

That's not funny

Some of you would have heard these before, but I'll post anyway.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea. (They get better!)

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
Still no idea.

What do you call a castrated deer with both eyes?
No fuckin' idea.

What do you call a horse with no legs?
A ranch slider. Edit: Alternative answer: A low rider.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it wont come to you.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2008 08:11PM by GAK67.

what do you call a pig with no legs?
ground hog

VALENTINE, Neb. (AP) — A man dubbed the "Butt Bandit" for making greasy imprints of his nether parts on windows in the north-central Nebraska city of Valentine has been sentenced to more than a year in jail.

Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott says police caught 35-year-old Thomas Larvie in the act on Nov. 19.

Scott says Larvie was sentenced Thursday to 13 ½ months in jail after being convicted of eight misdemeanor counts of public indecency and one of disturbing the peace.

Authorities said Larvie used lotion or petroleum jelly to make imprints of his naked behind — and sometimes his groin — on the windows of stores, churches and schools in Valentine beginning in the spring of 2007.

Townspeople dubbed the vandal the "Butt Bandit" even though no theft was involved.

13 and 1/2 months for making a imprint of your bum on a windows.. that's insane..

Yeah, you're gonna have to find a new passtime

or at least stay out of Nebraska...

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

Pulp Fatwa


“Ok, so tell me again about the hash laws.”

“What do want to know?”

“Well, hash is illegal there, right?”

“Well, that depends. Here’s how it breaks down. Its illegal to own it, its illegal to sell it. Its illegal to carry it, but that don’t matter. Get this, if the cops stop you, they won’t search you.”

“What do you mean, they can’t search you?”

“No man, they’ll just start beating you right there. Just up and beat you to within an inch of your life!”

“And that’s if you don’t have the stuff on you???”

“Exactly. If you do have the hash, you’ll get a trial. That usually takes about 15 minutes, then you’ll probably find yourself hanging from a lamppost!”

“Oh man, fuck that, I ain’t goin, that’s all there is to it!”

“Yeah. But you know what the funniest thing about Arabia is?”

“What?”

“The little things. They got the same shit over there, just different.”

“Example.”

“Alright, well you can walk into a movie theater in Riyadh and there aren’t any women, anywhere. I mean, they’re there, but they’ve got their entire face covered in this veil thing. And you know what’s more fucked up?”

“What?”

“Women can’t leave their house without a man. I mean, how do you meet chicks?”

“That is fucked up man.”

“Yeah. Still, they’ve still got everything we’ve got. They’ve got more MacDonald’s than we do, but there are these little differences. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?”

“They don’t call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?”

“No man, they’ve got the Arabic system, its all screwed up. They wouldn’t know what a Quarter Pounder is. They call it a ‘Intifada, with cheese’. And a Big Mac is a ‘Big Mustafa’.”

“What do they call a Bacon Burger?”

“Well, they ain’t too big on pig, but I think they call it a ‘Infidel Burger’. Guess what they’ve got instead of beef?”

“What?”

“Mutton. Every where you look, mutton. They’re drowning in that shit man. But listen, forget that, what happened to Marsellus Wahabi and his sister?”

“Well, Marsellus was out of town, right. He leaves Ahmed with Mia. Marsellus comes back early, and finds Ahmed giving Mia a foot massage.”

“Yeah. So what?”

“Get this, Marsellus just blows up.”

"What do mean, literally?"

"No man, fuck. No not literally. He gets mad. He gets so mad that he and Ahmed throw Mia off the balcony."

“Whoa whoa whoa! They throw Mia off the balcony? That’s fucked up man. Shouldn’t Marsellus throw Ahmed off the balcony?”

“Nah, their system is all fucked up and ass backwards. Its called 'honor killing'. Since Mia brought ‘dishonor’ to the family, it’s the right of the other family members to kill her.”

“Ah man, all of that over a foot massage!”

“Yep! Like I said, it is FUCKED up!”

My wife went to her lawyer and said she wanted to end our marriage.
"Anull?" asked the lawyer. "Yes" said my wife.
"Well, that and the beatings."

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?

' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing t hat?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire..... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

A craigslist posting someone found and linked.

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org [?]Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come
across this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't=2 0expect you to crap your pants when I
drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the
jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You
see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever
you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm
sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes,
cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your
buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of
calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your
card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your
cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.
Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope
they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some
threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd
like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand
did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for
not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm
hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you
might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex

I sincerely hope that is in fact a true story...it probably isn't but being true would make it thousands of times better...

i didn't snope it, but i bet it's bullshit....funny....but bullshit

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had
fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do
you
hear me?'

"Stay Stay"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said,

Why don't you just put it in "PARK" ? ! ! ! ! !

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE….. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change!
The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let’s not talk about that,
let’s talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken…What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain… alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

pull over!

but its not on this page...which page is it on?

too lazy. i didnt look, but i posted maybe a year ago.

couldnt have been that long ago...nobody knew who obama or sarah palin was then..

Important health alert for women

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.

However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Attraction to the same sex
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. In court, the judge asked her, “What did you steal?”
She answered, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
Then he asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She answered, “6.”
The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, ” She also stole a can of peas.”

A guy checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”

“No,” she said, “it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditors jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'