Florida Home Burgled
Ya can't make this stuff up!
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his
Rolex watch.What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box
filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's at least is the way the police
report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar
to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with
the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude.
She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known
as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was
there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box
was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted
Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2008 04:04PM by fossil_digger.

The Lady Golfer....

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It was not quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. However, this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then I am fifteen minutes late!'

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

Things I Love About My Country

By Michelle Obama

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.

Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________

My Accomplishments in Congress

by Barack Obama
___________________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH TELEPHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________

DRINKING

AND

DRIVING OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________

MY BOOK OF PERSONAL MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction and forward by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

_______________________________________________

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

by Nancy Pelosi

_________________________________

The Virtues and Values of Politicians



by John Edwards

with introduction and forward by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said

It was a hot day in Minnesota .

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. 'Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today,' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought, 'Vy nodt?'

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. 'Ya know,' Helga said in a timid voice.... 'I don't usually go into bars, but today I will make an exception...It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer'

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?'

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My
father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who
are prostitutes in Dallas . I have two brothers: one is currently
serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in
1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to
marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time
'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports
Barack Obama for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Mccain / Pookie

A black man a white man and a Mexican man walk into a police station. The white guy walks back out.
from that guy's site with the link from the owl picture

I don't get it

i've been having fun with this one:

hehehehehehe

in order to cut down on Childhood obesity, strangers in cars offering children candy have now begun to offer sugar free candy.




In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
What happened? he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN

Number One Idiot of 2007

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency
room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2007

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
liferaft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the
plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they
noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when
the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign,guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2007

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and
wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2007

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40.
several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........

But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2007

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out
of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she
put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2007

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2007

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was
caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2007

I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! - Idon't think this is a good place for
them to be crossing anymore.'

Stolen from another forum..

Dear Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick $#@!er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how $#@!ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the $#@!ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering $#@!, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and $#@!, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph…

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same
barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Obama in his chair Reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my
wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a
whorehouse,"

The second barber turned to McCain and said, "How
about you?"

McCain replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know
what a whorehouse smells like.

what?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 24/09/2008 04:27AM by fossil_digger.

Hey fossil, you don't read do ya?

HAHAHAHA Pull over Fossil!

.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 24/09/2008 04:28AM by fossil_digger.

Damn, there's an echo in here.

bleh

I've lost the thread of this thread.

LADIES!! Listen Up! This is what your male "friends" have put together to teach you how to conduct yourself when you keep them in the friend zone. Stop torturing them! They have an organized set of rules now.....one misstep may cause them to sex you immediately.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED


1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can't help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can't let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it's the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It's emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I'll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I'm going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don't even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don't slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I'm a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that's a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn't your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren't we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that's just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that's what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I'm only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Alw ays look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up. He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.

What happens to an Aussie with a drinking problem?

He ends up with 4 ex wives and a foster child!

lame

z_^Az^zz
you need really strong eyes to read this size text... like pro_junior has

you hurt your leg?