1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave
it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We
don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's
nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you
can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on
at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance
delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly,
reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do
you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the
job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to
work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know
exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it.
Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on
top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half
a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you
wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit
uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he
hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our
area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call
I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be
performed only by a professional engineer with a master's
degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call
I.T. Support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.
Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of
having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything
about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone
as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that
mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a
memo into the queue.

29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000
worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud
voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one
floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire
company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's
going on.

31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your
own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the
office,leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the
settings and drivers somewhere.

Three surgeons were bragging to each other.
The first one says;
A pianist had 7 fingers cut off and I reattached them.
He went on to give a piano recital at Carnegie hall.
The second surgeon said;
An athlete got run over by a bus and lost both arms and both legs. After marathon surgery I attached them again.
Two years later he went on to win a gold medal.
The third one said;
A cowboy who was drunk and high on cocaine jumped on his horse and tried to play chicken with a freight train. It was a mess. All I had to work with was a ten gallon hat and a horses arse.
He went on to become president!

TEXAS COP & N.Y. LAWYER
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense!!
Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving
shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow
down?"

LoL pull yourself over fossil!
(see page 5)

that one was different it was a Wichita Falls Police Officer vs Dallas Lawyer.

yeah...well...same punch line...I spent about 15 minutes looking through all the other jokes to find that..now pull yourself over dammit!

can i have a warning officer? mymommy will ground me if i get another ticket.

don't worry son, I'll have a talk with her...

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to givethe man. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles!'
the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. 'I can't dothe gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!' The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. 'No,'- the patient says, -'I am fine with pills'. The dentist then returns and says, 'Here is a Viagara tablet.'The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!' 'It doesn't,'- said the dentist -'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.'

See what 50 years will do...


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to h is car and gets his, to show Jack .

2006 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful busine ssman.

2006 - Billy 's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 - Pedro ' s cause is taken up by state Democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Is something wrong here?
(something to be said for the good ole days...)

That's not funny...

Amazingly simple home remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

No.6

[www.youtube.com]

A Pyramid Scheme Worth Trying



At last, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply follow the instructions and e-mail the following to 9 of your friends.



INSTRUCTIONS



First, anesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes),and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.


Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.


Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:


-- 0.5 Miss Worlds,


-- 2.5 models,


-- 463 wild nymphos,


-- 3,234 good-looking nymphos,


-- 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,


-- and 40,198 bi-sexual women.


In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.


DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!


One Aussie bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown in which he sent her off, with the same old migraine headache, and the accusatorial expression on her face.


On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).


While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


YOU MUST TRY THIS E-MAIL!!!


This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.


What more could you ask for? Start the New Year off on the right track. Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if...
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your
robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.
2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.

Get him again PJ!

again?
damn! maybe i am getting old and forgetful.

Sorry fossil, maybe it was a post of yours in the image galley.
You have repeated yourself from page 6.
Interesting history in this thead I noticed.
Page 1 you and PJ were not very friendly!
Page 6 my original post since copied by you.
Page 9 more proof of your memory failing.
Page 11 quasi original post since copied by me!

you have way too much free time son.

Yes, yes I do.
But there are some funny posts in this thread so it was worth the read.

i read a couple pages back in time myself

Quote

In their article entitled "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide," Stack and Gundlach ( 1992 ) observe a significant, positive relationship between percentage of radio airtime devoted to country music and white urban suicide rates.

I read an article on bizarre scientific studies, and the above was on the list. I thought it was a joke, so I googled the topic. Imagine my surprise when I found that it was a real study.

Funny?

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?

Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee ………………….

The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it ?

Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll
be right back ……………………

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table.

And you little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners ????

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment ? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.”

The teacher fainted …………………….

A young woman in New York was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into
the East River. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so
much to live for. I'm Off to Hawaii in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder
and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy." The girl nodded yes After all, what did she
have to lose? Perhaps a Fresh start in Hawaii would give
her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought
her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing
here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"
she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii ,
and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry".

POP QUIZ!

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. Heusually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and heuses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sellsan 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams toJuan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 pertrick, how many tricks per day must each ho turnto support Dwayne 's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine hebought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. Howmany ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 forstealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If hesteals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got$10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wifespends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. Thereare 20 girls in his gang. What is the exactpercentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for thegang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor thateats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700
a week as a lookout, howmany weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income? 10. Marvin steals Juan 's skateboard. As Marvinskates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece,how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Q.10 was best.

0.083 miles...

that's fast

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
Pro is... "Top o' the mornin' to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."