There once was an Irish man that walked out of a bar........

he must have ran out of money...

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat?" Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 Driver."
SILENCE............ LONG SILENCE..........

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"

lmao

even though i heard that a while ago actually... still funny though

>>> HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
>>>
>>> George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
>>> bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
>>> garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
>>> George opened the back door to go turn off the light but
>>> saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
>>>
>>>
>>> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
>>> And he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that
>>> he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
>>> available.
>>>
>>> George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
>>> the police again "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago
>>> because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
>>> don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them."
>>>
>>> Then he hung up.
>>>
>>> Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response
>>> Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and
>>> caught the burglars red-handed.
>>>
>>> One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said
>>> that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was
>>> nobody available!"

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month". The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the
priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies."Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

How to catch a wild hog.......
I can best explain my concern about the new congress's agenda, by using this analogy given to me by a former student of mine. Several years ago I was supervising a beginning teacher in a city school system. One day during our end-of-the-day feedback conference, the young man gave a facial grimace and began to rub his back. I asked him if he had strained his back in the school lab. After a long period of silence, he sat down at his desk and explained that he had immigrated to the United States because of political problems in his native country. The discomfort in his back was caused by a bullet wound he had received while fighting the Communists who were trying to take over his country's government. He was then a member of the underground nationalist force. Then he asked me a surprising question: "Dr. Hedges, do you know how to catch a wild hog?" The question was completely out of context regarding the day's classroom and lab teaching. I replied, "I'm not sure what you are talking about. Tell me." "First," he said, "you find out where the wild hogs are roaming and feeding and then you put some corn out in the field. Soon they will come to eat the corn. You keep putting out the free corn. More wild hogs keep coming to eat the corn." "So what?" I said. "That's normal for any animal." "Be patient. I will tell you what comes next," he said. "After the hogs get used to your free corn, you put up a length of fence along one side of the feeding area. The hogs get used to it. You keep giving them the corn. Then you put up another section of fence at right angles to the first. You keep giving them the corn. The hogs get used to the second fence. Then you put up another length of fence at right angles to the second section. You now have a U-sha ped fenced area. The hogs get used to that section of the fence. You keep giving them free corn. Then you put another section of fence with a gate in it, making a closed area except for the gate. You keep giving them corn. Now, the hogs no longer are out in the fields, working to find their own food. They keep coming into the area to eat the free corn. They get used to the fenced area with the open gate. Then, one day you slam shut the gate when the hogs are inside the fenced area. The wild hogs are caught - they are your prisoners."
I understood then that the wild hogs were really the people of his native country and that the free corn was the enticements that the Communists were giving to the people. "That's correct," the young man said. "Now, the hogs will not get anything to eat unless you give them food. You are in control. They depend on you to feed them, or they will starve. They can't get out into the fields and forests anymore to find their own food . They have probably forgotten how, as it is. They are your servants, your prisoners. They must obey you. Or else they starve. "The hogs," he said, "were so accustomed to having the free corn, that they ignored the building of the fences that would eventually trap them. When the gate slammed shut, it was too late for them to realize what they had been blind to. The free corn was enticing, so effortless to obtain, but eventually the cause of their loss of freedom. The fence had been built; the gate had been shut."
At this point in our conversation, the young teacher, in a voice shaking with emotion and with fists hitting the desktop, loudly exclaimed, "This is what I see happening in America today! People are being offered free corn by the government. People are being blind to the fences being built around them by the liberals - the socialists - and that is what frightens me! Just like it was happening in my homeland. The American people do not learn f rom history, and history shows that socialism/communism does not work. Take note of Russia. Has socialism been the best thing that ever happened to that country? Absolutely not! But socialism is what the American people are being fed, and they don't realize it. All they can focus on is the 'free corn.' They want more and more of the free corn. And this free corn is being fed to us little by little, and soon the gate will slam shut. Iam very frightened, and also amazed, that the American people don't see what is being fed us, and for what purpose." With that said the young man sat down at his desk and continued to rub his painful back. And I was silent in my chair, and afraid, for I could visualize the supposedly "free corn" being fed to our nation's people and our growing to the "free corn". And I could see the gate being slammed shut. We, the people of the United States of America, because of our ignorance of hist ory, because of our addiction to the supposedly "free corn," could soon be prisoners of liberal socialism. Along with this fighter for freedom from socialism/communism, I too, wanted to slam my fists on the desktop and cry out in a loud voice for all to hear, "Wake up, America! The fences are being built! Don't you see what is happening to us?" In the agenda of the new Congress, there is much "free corn" being promised the American people. In our greed for this "free corn," will we ignore the incremental building of the fences and the inevitable shutting of the gate? As I ponder the building of the fences now underway by the new Congress, I remember the old adage; there is always free cheese in a mousetrap."
It seems the only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.

[Lowell E. Hedges is a retired associate professor, teacher of education and a former superintendent of
Elgin Local Schools.]

I UNDERSTAND THIS AND I'M STUPID!

I can't believe I read that whole thing.

i guess i shoulda put a "don't bother reading unless you're an american" stipulation. sorry 'berto. but then you gave me a neg. so...BLOW ME!

Teach you to fuck with the fossil

damn near got my irish up!

If you want me to blow you then send me a PM but in the mean time this is meant to be "Say something funny"... Not politics.
You tricked me into reading it thinking it was a joke.
I feel betrayed, violated and dirty.

yeah sorry man. i didn't want to cheese someone elses political pic with it.

"I feel betrayed, violated and dirty." now you know what it feels like to be american. you're welcome.

I feel violated too.

[www.damnfunnypictures.com]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked
him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied, "I'm NOT happy; my butt itches!"

CUSTER'S
LAST LETTER.
BY PETER KRINKE

- - - -

June 24, 1876

My dear Elizabeth,

Forgive my tardiness in responding to your last letter. Tomorrow we shall engage the Indian hordes and I'm busy with the preparations for battle. I must tell you, dear, that though I'm loath to underestimate our task, I doubt very seriously that we'll suffer any casualties at all.

I mean, let's be honest: they're Indians.

So confident am I of victory that yesterday I canceled my eye appointment with the army physician to receive new spectacles. And though it is difficult for me to read a map, navigate a battlefield, or respond coherently to any visual sensory stimuli, I am still 100 percent sure of our inevitable victory.

It's true, a lot of my men are underfed. They're in poor physical condition. Many of them can't walk without crutches. But you know who doesn't know that? The Indians. So that's one more for our side.

My soldiers, ever-reluctant to test their mettle in battle, keep asking for intelligence. "How many Indians are we facing?" they ask. "With what are they armed?" I say, "Who gives a crap?" It's true we don't have the best weapons available to us, but most of my men can load and fire their rifles 10 to 12 times a minute. You've gotta like those numbers. And, if the Indians get too close, my soldiers can use their bayonets. They are like sharp knives on the ends of the rifles (very sharp!).

To be honest, I've been spending the majority of my time attempting to compose a rousing hymn to lead us into battle but am finding it exceedingly difficult to rhyme anything with "Indian." The closest I've come is "Shmindian." Please let me know if you have any ideas on this subject.

Let me put your mind at ease, darling. Even if my entire army were drunk and dressed in the provocative costumes of loose women, even if the Indians were reinforced by the gods and monsters of their queer and obviously made-up religion, even if their perverse dreams—suddenly, miraculously, brought to life—led them into battle, I still believe we would suffer only minimal casualties.

The creator of God Almighty could not lead the Indians to victory tomorrow. Even the creator of the creator of God Almighty could not even expect anything approaching 50-50 odds. I AM CUSTER! SON OF A BITCH! I AM CUSTER!

Also, how is your lumbago?

Yours,
Custer

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if
>>she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf
>>of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Once more, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and I just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

reminds me of this rare blond guy joke...
three guys, a blond and two brown haired guys, were facing execution by firing squad. they take the first brown hair guy up and begin, ready! aim! just then he points behind them and yells,tornado!! they all turn to look and he runs away...they take the second brown hair guy up and begin again, ready! aim! just then he points and yells, flash flood!! they all turn to look and he runs away...finally its the blond guys turn, they begin, ready! aim! the blond guy points and yells, fire!!

hmmm... but i've heard that one only it was involving women

American, Englishman & Irishman jokes were all we had when I was a kid.
The Brunette, Redhead & Blonde jokes add a whole new dimension.
But there are similarites.
*
An Blonde was tired of being the subject of all those blonde jokes so she died her hair brown. She decided to take a drive through the country to celebrate her new identity. Going past a field of sheep she stopped and asked the farmer “If I can tell you the correct number of sheepes in the herd, will you give me one sheep?” The farmer laughed and said “Sure, sure”. She gazed out for a few seconds and said “There’s 1,973 sheepes”.
The farmer said with Amazement “Your’re right! Go and pick one out”.
On her way back to the car she was stopped by the farmer and he said
“If I can guess your real hair colour can I have my dog back?”

thats funny..reminds me of this one..

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!

This is a oldie that i used to love as a young teenager.

A man is stranded on a desert island with a dog and a pig.

He manages to find food and build himself a hut. After a while the man starts to feel a little lonely. He starts to eye the pig but just can't bring himself to do anything so immoral.

One day he's feeling more randy than ever so grabs the pig and starts going for it. After a few seconds the dog, thinking he's harming the pig bites his ankles until the pain is so much that he has to release the pig. A few more days later he tries again with the pig to only have the same result with the dog.

The next day the man is walking along to beach looking for turtles to eat when he notices someone on the beach passed out. He sprints down the beach to find this beautiful woman has barely any clothing, he gives her mouth to mouth and restarts her breathing/heart.

He picks her up and takes her back to his hunt, nursing her back to health over a few days. When she finally gets her strength back he tells her how he found and saved her. She turns to him and says 'Oh thankyou so much for saving me! How can i repay you... I'll do ANYTHING.. you just name it..ANYTHING..' then man stops and thinks for a moment.. then turns to her and says 'Can you take the dog for a walk?'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 14/09/2007 05:13AM by DarkKlown.

You can tell an Irishman, but you can't tell him much.

A man joins the French Foreign Legion and is posted somewhere in North Africa.
After several weeks he is horny for some female action but there are only men around.
He asks one of the officers about it and he says,
"If you absolutely have to then you can take one of the camels".
This is a bit extreme for the horny man so he passes.
After another week he is even more horny and he asks one of the other men about it.
He says "Whenever I am horny I just sneak off with one of the camels".
The horny man passes again but the next week he is so horny he gives it a go.
The camel didn't seem to mind and just as he was getting his rocks off another soldier walked by and shouted at him in disgust.
The horny man said that everyone else was doing it.
The passing soldier says.
"No no no, everyone else rides the camel into town so they can visit the brothel".

This one is really funny, well done FD.
[www.plus613.net]

lmao! i forgot about that one.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the
morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken,
and he had no health insurance.