It's begorra, not begoora, ya cheese eatin' surrender-monkey!

Two men from Texas were driving through Montana when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for," the driver asked? "You're in Montana, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Montana you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer!" the driver said, "I'm from Texas and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for," the passenger demands?" Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asked? "Because I know all about you Texas people," the trooper says."Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy here and say,'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'

Q: What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'Furniture.

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations. Next the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there still once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.!!
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

lmao^

here's another...

There is a golfer who goes to his country club to play a round.

He goes up to the front desk and asks for a tee time and a cart. The desk worker replies I am sorry sir, but we do not have carts anymore…we have replaced them with robots.

Astonished, and a little pissed off the golfer says fine whatever just give me a damn robot.

So he takes the robot and begins his round. When he gets to about the 5th hole he tells the robot to give him his seven iron.

The robot replies negative, you should use a six iron. At this point an argument begins which lasts about five minutes. He says look robot I have been a golfer for over 30 years. I think I know what club to use…give me the damn seven iron.

The robot refuses over and over. Finally he asks for the six iron and the robot gives it to him. He takes it still muttering under his breath, and lines up his shot and smacks the shit out of the ball. It bounces once and then goes in the hole.

The golfer is pumped. He goes on to play the best round of his life with the robots help.

The next week he comes in and asks the desk worker for a tee time and a robot. The desk worker says I am sorry we had to get rid of the robots. The golfer obviously irritated asks why?

I played the best round of my life last week. The clerk stated that the robots shiny metal bodies were interfering with other golfers games.

The golfer said that is silly why didn’t you just paint them black? The desk worker replied we already tried that sir, and the next day we caught five of them stealing from us and the rest didn’t show up to work.

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations. Next the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there still once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.!!
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

dude, that was just posted above mine last post so you get no kudos! still funny as fuck though!

You're repeating yourself, digger. I'm tellin' ya, the memory is the first thing to go.

oops, sorry i forgot where i saw this and didn't consider you guys.

It's OK, digger, my 81 year old mother has been taking some great drugs that have helped stop her memory slide. I'll see if I can score you some, buddy.

lmao... hey hook me up with some of that as well... my memory is atrociously terrible

does it give you a buzz?

Only if spending 400 bucks a month so that you can do things like remember the paperboy's name gives you a buzz. She keeps telling me, "Don't get old," but I don't like the alternative.

You guys just need to stay away from the stuff that gives you a buzz and I bet your memories will improve.

I was going to say something, but I forgot what it was...

I've stayed away for a long time, but the damage has already taken effect.

Guess I'll have to buy a round of Aricept with a Cerefolin chaser for all y'all.

Now what did I do with that percription pad I copped from the doctor's office?

George Carlin's new rules for 2007

new rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
new rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
new rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.!!!!
new rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
new rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
new rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water
Snew rule: stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
new rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.
new rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
new rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
new rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
new rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.
N new rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
new rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

Who's George Carlin?

ahhh, you gotta check him out sometime... really funny, and yet has some great ideas that should be taken seriously

Oh, now I know that guy, can't believe I was too lazy to Google the name.
*
"When will Jesus bring the pork chops?"
*
[www.georgecarlin.com]

You're makin' me feel really old with this "who's George Carlin" stuff. The guy has a really great mind for one of us old farts. He's old enough to be my dad so I've been hearing his stuff for a long, long, long time. He's great. Check him out, kids.

[www.plus613.com]

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning > 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

you should be able to get away with that on thanxgiving as well

I thought that was why we call it Thanksgiving.

Pain Killers

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills" The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull out your tooth."

"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor, Virgil smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Dallas courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the court firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

lol - hi fossil

that must be from out 1/13 year.

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on thedriver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her . what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."