How to Shower Like a Woman;

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man;

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (you don't)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair.
Do not use conditioner.
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Banana.

my mom sent it to me, here's another good one:

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. he puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute.
"Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

another of mom's e-mails

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
he puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute.
"Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up.........."I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

How do you circumsize a N.A.M.B.L.A. member?

Kick his little brother in the chin!

The Washington Post's Yearly Neologism Contest:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly .
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub In the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town...

'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies,'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'. The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking manager of this b*stard place?' 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'. 'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager. 'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.' 'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?' 'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. 'That's superb. What's it called?' 'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. 'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?' 'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls Caught In The Soap Drawer'. The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager. 'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?' 'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time Harvey, a BIG congrats man !!!!!

yawn

btw harvey, according to your mother, it's doggy style...

and you got a little junior bruv on the way...

I don't think necrophilia can produce a baby bro for me. Nice try though.

oopsie!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 15/10/2006 05:37PM by iminyourmom.

[www.plus613.com]



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 15/10/2006 05:41PM by pro_junior.

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.

He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he
saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought
this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to waste, so he
decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car.

He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that
pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled
in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked
deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before
an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to
him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for
sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he
could see it.

They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man
opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under
an old dirty blanket.

The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a
shiny red Corvette. "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed
transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true
that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline
tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was
covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.

As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go
too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low
on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the key and
the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it
settled down like a purring tiger.

He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the
hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth
at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the
pick-up was unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3
minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop
and got out.

To his horror, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.

Meanwhile, down the road...

A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two
daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad
was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she
cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the
dishes.

The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she
had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't
do the dishes.

Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if
he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told
everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who
would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living
room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to
do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room.

They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word.
Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence
filled the room.

There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock.
The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked
again but nobody answered. He walked in.

"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you
mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything.

So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the
fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody
said anything.

He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into
the living room and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his
oldest daughter. Nobody said anything.

He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her.
Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He
walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have
sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything.

He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later,
sitting at the table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty
good. He walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife.
Nobody said anything.

So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was
through he walked into the living room and stood in front of Dad.
"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad. And Dad said, "I'll
wash the damn dishes."

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER..
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops


Sorry my girlfriend made me post it. she laughed harder than i ever heard her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 26/10/2006 12:17AM by fossil_digger.

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Confucios say; "if chain still swinging, seat still warm."

Chinese for beginners;

I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

Are you hiding a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

You are not very bright
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki

I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

A guy was feeling a little depressed after losing a few bucks on the game and his wife was trying to cheer him up,
Do you want to go play golf? she asks.
He replies, No I'll just stay home with you...
Do you want to go to the tavern and have a couple of beers with your friends?
He says, No I'll just stay home with you...
Finally she asks, Do you want to have sex?
He says, No I'll just stay home with you...

A guy comes home from work early and finds his wife,
stark naked, standing over a mirror on the living room floor...
He says, what the hell are you doing?!
Embarrassed about being caught masturbating, she stammers, I was just doing my aerobics...
He says, well you better be careful! You're about to fall into that big hole in the floor!

all right, here's one for the ladies...

A woman comes home from the gynocologist and says to her husband,
the doctor told me that I have the pussy of an 18 year old...
He says, Oh yeah? Did he say anything about your Big Ass?
She says, Why no, he didn't mention you at all...

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in! the closet. "Who are YOU?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.
" What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

lame:

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Johnny wanted to screw a hot girl in his office - but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and just said "I'll give you $1,000 if you let me screw you".

The girl said "No".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said "OK, ask for $2,000 and pick up the money real fast so he won't even be able to get his pants down". So she accepts the proposal as offered.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl to call so they can think about what to do with the two grand.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks whats happening? She replies "The bastard used coins".

Red Wagon


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when e noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well." Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.