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Date: September 04, 2007 09:30AM
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted. ~Author
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on
top. ~Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are
out having fun. ~Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in
one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down
five ~Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to
do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect
golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until
the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill
adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: Live on greens as much as possible. ~Author Unknown
Gone golfin' .. be back about dark thirty. ~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off . ~Author Unknown
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. ~Author
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man
says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm
going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and
puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball
few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my
church when we pray, we keep our head down."
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly-acquainted Scottish
golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an
extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a
Mulligan in Scotland?" The Scot replied, "We call it hitting
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron
standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your
husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that
golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops
the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit
him?" "I don't
know, five, six, maybe seven times. .... just put me down for a 5- Don't buy a
putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more
club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of
you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a
lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the
golf swing. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
worse.The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the
one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your
many other errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Everyone replaces
his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill
against your opponents' luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10. Counting on
your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make
fun of his own haircut.It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two
kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of
the time. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a
much earlier age.- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to
see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you
want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to
lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's
downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e.,
back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. There are two things you
can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of
your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.Hazards
attract; fair ways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on
the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball. A ball you can see in
the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the
bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. It's easier
to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. Sometimes it
seems as though your cup moveth over. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped
many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday
because you always end up having to pray a lot. A good golf partner is one
who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to
play with friends. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel
skipping out on lawn work. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the
game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need
to buy fresh ones each week.
- A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a
professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who
never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks,
and rake his sand traps. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he
shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
- You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do
just fine. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a
brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer and eat hot dogs if you are performing brain surgery
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/09/2007 09:38AM by fossil_digger.