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Date: June 30, 2006 05:22PM
THE DEMONIC "GARGOYLE" & THE MORONIC NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOC
Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved
into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first
impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to
die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his
family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson. What follows is the letter
received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response. As hard as it
may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic
effect... this is the real deal.
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607
Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association
about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this
neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing
people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a
bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol,
unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a
neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved
in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood.
There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We
understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of
restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We
insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not
to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association
June 16, 2002
Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),
I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners
association seems to take offense to.
I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient
protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural
structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My
Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can
only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is
speaking to you through your evil television set.
I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood.
The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing
in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox.
What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and
find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy
was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I
find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink
flamingos in the Whitley yard.
As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you
noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are
evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think
rain would make you thankful.
As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the
winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are
squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the
mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.
We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see
my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak
out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you
feel is necessary.
See you in hell,
Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I
predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night.
And, as promised, further developments!
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX
Boone, NC 28607
October 25, 2002
Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are
determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of
your Christmas lights.
Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas
lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We
can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon.
It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such
flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's
Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain
seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two
weeks prior or after said holiday.
Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone
Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who
land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the
gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior.
Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or
obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance
of our rules and regulations.
If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your
gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.
In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your
property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw.
Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our
neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please
leave our trees alone!
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association
November 4, 2002
Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),
I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in,
you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last
neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is
Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up
Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain
and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your
freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here
for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New
Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .
I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it
took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the
reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out
of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree
nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and
examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.
Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really
complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my
lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go
home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did
someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic
was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more
feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights
violations than you would know.
As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of
property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass
about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday
Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut
down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all
down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my
feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations
nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.
Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.
As always, love,
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.
This Series presented with the permission of Jeff Kay at www.thewvsr.com.