In honour of DK's jokes:

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

The pilot. Stop being a racist f**k!

That is a plausible explanation and I accept it.

You should not be surprised to have to elucidate on any given matter with any of the so-called adults frequenting this site.

elucidate ?? No shit? Bought yerself a thesaurus did ya

No. Why, did you have to look it up?

Uh no, I learned it in 8th grade English. Nice try though

I have serious doubt that the word appears in any 8th grade vocabulary lists but I'm not surprised that is the grade level you referenced.

Doubt all you care to dude, some schools, like the one I attended, actually do educate their students. And no, it wasn't some silver spoon private school either, though it was ranked in the top 5 scholastically in the whole state at the time, it was still just a public school

However, having watched my 2 daughters go through school the whole process has been so dumbed down comparatively, it was a very sad experience.

BTW, whaddya call 2% of teachers today .... educators

And whaddya call the rest? Clock watchers/punchers, babysitters, and leeches at the public teat

Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mom asks, 'What did you learn today?' Kid replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'

now you two take your squabbling to another forum, this one is meant to be funny

It was still funny anyway.

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH

MT. VERNON, TEXAS ... WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

The version I heard, Sue was bashed to death and dumped in a garbage bin.
Even funnier IMHO.

Life's tough, but sometimes you just get what you deserve. I hate those assholes when I'm on the train.

I'm in Sydney now. They trialed the "quite carriage" but it failed and I haven't heard anything since. Maybe on the longer runs from the mountains or from the central coast they might still do it.

"Some people are like slinkeys"
"Not particularly useful but they make you smile when you push them down some stairs"
-Anon

Good point but ... bonuses all around in watchin assholes comparatively though, I mean, it's like Christmas and Halloween all rolled into one

I Hate My Job

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Yes Fred but you're a pretty boy wanna be douche. Nobody likes you because you have nothing to contribute. It's probably usually your stoner dog who falls over the solution to any mysteries while looking for pills.

Back when Bill Clinton was prez, one night he and Hilary are gettin ready for bed,

Bill tells her "Yakno Hilary, with all the trouble in Somalia these days I'd like you to go over there and get things straightened out."

Hilary gives him a sidelong glance and says "I don't wanna go to Somalia Bill, they're killin people in Somalia."

Bill says "Yeah but hon, I really think you could do a lot of good there, so I think you should go and help us get things worked out".

Hilary says "I'll tellya what Bill, if you don't make me go to Somalia I'll give ya a blow job, how about that instead?"

Bill thinks for just a second and says "Ok!" pulls down his pants and sits down on the edge of the bed.

Hilary gets on her knees and gets a mouthful, then jerks her head back suddenly in disgust and says "Bill! Your dick tastes like shit!".

Bill looks down at her and says "Yeah, Al didn wanna go either!"

New for 2014…………………



Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, No use knocking, there`s no paper in this one either.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

Rabble! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

Well, somebody had to say it.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

two fish are in a tank, one fish turns the other fish and says "how do we drive this thing?"

How I Learned to Mind My Own Business

I was walkin past the mental hospital one day and heard the patients outside chanting "13, 13, 13".

With the tall wooden fence out front I couldn't see what they were yelling about, but my curiosity was really piqued, so I found a hole I could gaze through to see what was up.

As soon as I put my eye up to the hole someone poked me in the eye with a stick and they started yelling "14, 14, 14"

How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?
None, Its all tongue and groove!

Where's the forehead smacking smiley when you need it?

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'