ToucanSam Report This Comment Date: February 22, 2006 10:02PM
This is an editoral by
pat@consumpt
ionjunction.co
;m
Even he supports Bush, but you have to be realistic. He says......
George Dubya Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Dubya,
What it do? I hope this letter finds you in good health, I know for a fact
you're one happy camper that it wasn't you who shot that old motherfucker with a
shotgun. But, c'mon Sir, I'm from Texas, too, and we both know that there's only
one way to hunt in Texas, and that's drunk as fuck. You can't tell me that ol'
Dick wasn't drunk as Cooter Brown when he made that old fella look like Viktor
Yushchenko after they poisoned his ass. Really though, who gives a damn? The old
guy survived - barely, but he survived and I bet he's an extra bad ass now when
he's hanging out at the Elk's Lodge or the Skull and Bones meetings when he
shows everyone where the bird shot entered his old ass turkey neck. Good times
and excellent job of trying to cover it up. I'm not really sure why anyone was
making a big deal about some coverup job, I mean, the fucking President shot a
motherfucker, you're goddamned right it should be covered up.
Now, you might have noticed I called Dick "President", but we see eye
to eye, Sir, no need to put up a facade amongst friends. We all know Dick is
more than likely running the country just a little more than yourself, but who
cares, Sir? Tou're in the White House partying up Texas style and there ain't
nothing wrong with that, ora homes.
I know you're probably a very busy man, which is why you're constantly on
vacation, but hell, if I had Air Force One at my disposal, I'd be vacationing
like a rock star as well. Speaking of partying, don't think for one minute that
I believe you snorted cocaine back in the day. Personally, I think you smoked
it. But I've always said, there's nothing wrong with smoking crack if you can
afford your habit without having to suck some stranger's cock.
So, how are those Weapons of Mass Destruction coming along? I love the way we
all fell for that shit and immediately were like, hell yeah, let's go fuck some
shit up. Either way, Sir, I think that maybe we should have our people plant
some WMD's somewhere over there, under some sand or some shit because people are
starting to take that lil' lie a wee bit serious. Fuck them, sir. They just
don't understand, but I do. I mean, if I had a dad and some Iraqi sonofabitch
fucked with him and mocked him even after being invaded, I would have gone back
over there and fucked his world up, too. There is nothing wrong with sticking up
for your family.
Speaking of family, how about that brother of yours pulling that shit off in
Florida? I have a lil' brother as well, and just like yours Sir, my brother is a
douche bag. I bet you were worried as fuck that he wouldn't be able to pull that
shit off, but fuck that tree loving, Al Gore. What a pansy, I know.
Since we're on the subject of idiots, I'm glad you beat that Charlie sympathizer
in the last election. Fuck him and his bullshit war-is-wrong
Heinz-ketchup-eating ass. I know for a fact that if you hadn't weaseled your way
out of the war, you would have never been a no-good, two-bit, yellow belly
coward and talk shit about the armed services. I mean, The Air National Guard?
C'mon, Sir, those there are some bad motherfuckers in their own respect, don't
sell yourself short. Who cares if you really weren't actually a part of them
other than by a bunch of doctored paper work? Not me, sir. You know us Texans
stick together.
I would also like to thank you for doing whatever you did to the border. You
see, ever since you've been in office, we no longer have to stuff my cousin into
the dashboard to smuggle him across. Now, he just walks right the fuck over
without much of a hassle. Last I talked to him, the crazy bastard was talking
about voting for you in the next election. Even after I explained that you
couldn't run again. Nor could he vote.
While I maybe somewhat of a "fan" of yours, sir, I can't say that I
voted for you. Not because I'm some sort of felon or survivalist whose forming
his own country and flying the flag upside down in some North Texas back woods,
but mostly because I got sick of Puff Daddy telling me to Vote or Die. Besides
that, I can't really say that I agree with these drug laws and the entire war on
drugs. Sir, we're both from Texas, we know what the fuck goes on around these
parts, but still motherfucking rapists are getting less time for taking the
pussy of multiple bitches than sonsofbitches selling a lil' pot to make ends
meet. Sure, certain drugs deserve harsh sentences, but marijuana? That shit just
isn't right. I mean, I don't blame you but I do blame a female you might be
acquainted with: Nancy "Just Say No" Reagan. It makes absolutely no
sense, for crying out loud, I used to go to "Just Say No" meetings to
buy dope to smoke at "Just Say No" rallies.
My lil' bitch brother and cousin are still in high school, and both those fools
tell me that drugs are everywhere. The shit just ain't working, Sir. It's
working about as well as this whole War on Terror thing. If I could make a tiny
recommendation, and you can take full credit for it, but I strongly believe that
it's all about legalization of marijuana... and acid. But let's start with baby
steps first.
Excuse me while I look for black helicopters flying silently above my apartment.
It looked as though the coast was clear but you can never be sure because you
fuckers are sneaky, Sir. I do have a question that you might be able to help me
out with. I'd like to know why in the fuck I'm paying $2.68 for a gallon of gas.
Sure, it's not as much as some other poor bastards are paying, but expensive
enough to cut into my beer and party supplies. I remember seeing a picture of
you all Bareback with some fucking sheiks, but yet I'm still getting robbed at
the gas pump and think it's preposterous. Especially so, because of your oil
expertise. Surely, you are more knowledgeable when it comes to oil than say, I
don't know, baseball.
Now, what the fuck is up with Osama? I'm not one to get all wrapped up in
conspiracy theories - other than your everyday extra-terrestrial stuff, the
assassination of JFK and the exact location of Jimmy Hoffa - but several events
that linked you and Osama have been thrown about. And I choose to believe that
all the Bush haters worked extra hard to come up with some shit on you. However,
I can't help but question whether you Sir, may have very well at some point in
time, in one way or another, been in cahoots with Osama?
I won't even open up the can of worms that involves the explosions of any
structures but I have to wonder why we've yet to catch Osama. Sir, this
cocksucker should have been caught by now, but instead we're worrying about
regulating porn on the internet. Which is complete and utter bullshit. Hell, I
talk to God, too and he talks back to me as well, but never once has he told me
that porn is bad. And I bet he's never told you any such thing, either. Sir, if
I could be frank, why don't we just start blowing everybody up? Fuck it,
motherfuckers are just waiting to strike us, let's just strike first. Seriously,
what's it matter now? How much time do you have left in office, two years?
What's your popularity matter now? If you haven't been impeached by now, you're
pretty much untouchable. I bet God has mentioned something like "Kill ‘em
all, let Me sort them out!", right?
All I know is that last time God and I talked, he told me not to worry about the
$300 I'd just lost at poker, and to go ahead and deposit some more money.
I apologize if I'm starting to ramble, but this purple drank is starting to take
effect. You're from Texas - I know you know all about that syrup. I'll let you
get back to doing whatever in the hell you do, Sir. If you want, next time your
back home, we can hang. Maybe grill some steaks, throw in a little Pimpadelic in
the CD player, put back a couple of Lone Stars, catch a buzz and just shoot the
shit for a while.
Just have your people contact my people.
Patrick
P.S. Any chance you can hook me up with your daughter, the fatty, not the other
one?
